Pig & Fiddle Football
Under the captaincy of Tanman (captain clubfoot) since June 2009
The final game, the final straw....
I don't know who attended on Sunday, sadly I didn't.
All those people who did play or watch on Sunday should spend the week in quiet reflection on what the hell they allowed to happen.
Apparently we were 3-1 up with 10 minutes to go ?
Can I just point out that there does not exist a positive enough goal difference in the world, and lets be clear on this.... We could be winning 55 goals to nil with 10 mins still to play against the gimpy-legged asthmatics society and there is still no justification to allow Kempy to come on and "have a run up front"
You've only got yourselves to blame....
Giddy with excitement from his two tap-ins from offside positions at Thursday training, the big man has decided that a career as a centre forward is still not beyond him.
Yes that's right, we are now through the bottom of the barrel scraping around amongst the shit that you find below ground.
Unsurprisingly, old goal-foot failed to find the net for us and no doubt the resultant 3-3 draw can be blamed on the rest of the players getting knackered trying to make up for his lack of tracking back.
Football died yesterday. Maybe not on the global stage but in my heart.
Seriously.... why did nobody stop it ? Nobody !
Ed - Why did you leave the field man ? Why ? You saw what was coming on !
I can't write any more........
All those people who did play or watch on Sunday should spend the week in quiet reflection on what the hell they allowed to happen.
Apparently we were 3-1 up with 10 minutes to go ?
Can I just point out that there does not exist a positive enough goal difference in the world, and lets be clear on this.... We could be winning 55 goals to nil with 10 mins still to play against the gimpy-legged asthmatics society and there is still no justification to allow Kempy to come on and "have a run up front"
You've only got yourselves to blame....
Giddy with excitement from his two tap-ins from offside positions at Thursday training, the big man has decided that a career as a centre forward is still not beyond him.
Yes that's right, we are now through the bottom of the barrel scraping around amongst the shit that you find below ground.
Unsurprisingly, old goal-foot failed to find the net for us and no doubt the resultant 3-3 draw can be blamed on the rest of the players getting knackered trying to make up for his lack of tracking back.
Football died yesterday. Maybe not on the global stage but in my heart.
Seriously.... why did nobody stop it ? Nobody !
Ed - Why did you leave the field man ? Why ? You saw what was coming on !
I can't write any more........
Booyas take the points but Pig claw back a little pride....
Last weeks heavy drubbing was still strong in the memories of the majority of the Pig supporters and players alike, and this week gave us the penultimate opportunity to put something together a strong finish to the season.
Naturally we lost but we at least managed to keep it respectable, score a goal and nobody was forced to bare anything unpleasant at anybody else.
Booyas are a formidable group of opponents who have terrorised us in the past with "full-blooded" midfielder "Big Nev" usually being the man to put the boot in quite literally. Fortune smiled on us this week however as the big enforcer was nowhere to be seen on the pitch. Maybe another stay at her majesty's pleasure ?
The Pig were back to a full strength side and everybody was pleased to see Lucas' hairy little face smiling back at us from the Pig that morning. Our Argentinean import and star striker has been away too long and we are all very excited about his potential return to the side in our final game of the season in few weeks time. Summer on the rec is not the same without Lucas playing football with us.
The squad:
Tully
Goughy
Sam Maddock
Ant
Olly Embleton
Olly Davis
Phil
Poo
Silky
Jonny
Damian
Subs
Rhys
Ed
Rich Green
The Pig were to go a goal down courtesy of the foreign referee being unable to understand the game. He mystified everybody by giving a penalty against Pooman for which the foul-mouthed ex-estate agent gave the referee every swear word he had in his locker before calming down. Tully was wrong footed by the penalty and so moved left as the ball sailed right.
One nil quickly became 2 nil as a breakaway pack of players confused the Pig defence and scored easily.
It should be noted that all this was against the run of play and we were actually holding our own in attack.
Tully was having a good day in the goal although a mixed day with his kicking. Two saves were pulled off with his head and one lightning fast reactionary tip-over the bar should be noted as world class.
Half time came at 2 nil and we had words of inspiration from all concerned. The lovely Kate and Polly from the Pig had joined us for the day and were keen to point out several words of inspiration they had learned from other games they had seen on the way across Lansdown. My particular favourite was 'Sit down, this isn't a fucking party" and I would be more than happy to hear Kempy try and get away with this when Rus returns from his enforced layoff (stay at the institution)
The second half was more evenly matched. We went a further goal behind due to a defensive error from one of our most proven contributors. We don't operate a blame culture and would never name the culprit but the pensioner-friendly barman whose name rhymes with Toffee will be the first to hold his hands up. A rare error from our defensive rock.
At 3 down we threw the subs on and it nearly worked as Damian and Jonny West combined for Jonny to lob the ridiculously short keeper and make it 3-1.
Sadly that was to be the end of the scoring.....
Our next and final game is against JC Sports before we can chuck it all in for this year.
If we cancel the game then we get a £40 and lose 3-0.
Just to recap that would be a £2 reduction for each player and we would probably concede more than 3 goals in the game ? The Pig would never need to know, so the pints and sausages would still be there !
Where's the negative ?
I'm joking of course. We have a couple of weeks off but will be completing the season after that.
Training will continue throughout the summer to give us all something to do and confirm that we will be the best-trained, closest group of players ever to grace Division 4 (assuming Kempy can't keep us up again this year by performing another unspeakable act on the league fixtures secretary) (think 'Last Tango in Paris" but with a Fosters-top replacing the butter)
and finally
Don't forget to visit jonny West's crepe stand in the podium any day of the week.
Also be sure to catch Rich Green's production of "Mixed Doubles" at the Mission Theatre 15th-18th April.
Link here - http://www.missiontheatre.co.uk/_coming/2009_Mixed_Doubles.html
Maybe a club outing with a crepe afterwards ?
Naturally we lost but we at least managed to keep it respectable, score a goal and nobody was forced to bare anything unpleasant at anybody else.
Booyas are a formidable group of opponents who have terrorised us in the past with "full-blooded" midfielder "Big Nev" usually being the man to put the boot in quite literally. Fortune smiled on us this week however as the big enforcer was nowhere to be seen on the pitch. Maybe another stay at her majesty's pleasure ?
The Pig were back to a full strength side and everybody was pleased to see Lucas' hairy little face smiling back at us from the Pig that morning. Our Argentinean import and star striker has been away too long and we are all very excited about his potential return to the side in our final game of the season in few weeks time. Summer on the rec is not the same without Lucas playing football with us.
The squad:
Tully
Goughy
Sam Maddock
Ant
Olly Embleton
Olly Davis
Phil
Poo
Silky
Jonny
Damian
Subs
Rhys
Ed
Rich Green
The Pig were to go a goal down courtesy of the foreign referee being unable to understand the game. He mystified everybody by giving a penalty against Pooman for which the foul-mouthed ex-estate agent gave the referee every swear word he had in his locker before calming down. Tully was wrong footed by the penalty and so moved left as the ball sailed right.
One nil quickly became 2 nil as a breakaway pack of players confused the Pig defence and scored easily.
It should be noted that all this was against the run of play and we were actually holding our own in attack.
Tully was having a good day in the goal although a mixed day with his kicking. Two saves were pulled off with his head and one lightning fast reactionary tip-over the bar should be noted as world class.
Half time came at 2 nil and we had words of inspiration from all concerned. The lovely Kate and Polly from the Pig had joined us for the day and were keen to point out several words of inspiration they had learned from other games they had seen on the way across Lansdown. My particular favourite was 'Sit down, this isn't a fucking party" and I would be more than happy to hear Kempy try and get away with this when Rus returns from his enforced layoff (stay at the institution)
The second half was more evenly matched. We went a further goal behind due to a defensive error from one of our most proven contributors. We don't operate a blame culture and would never name the culprit but the pensioner-friendly barman whose name rhymes with Toffee will be the first to hold his hands up. A rare error from our defensive rock.
At 3 down we threw the subs on and it nearly worked as Damian and Jonny West combined for Jonny to lob the ridiculously short keeper and make it 3-1.
Sadly that was to be the end of the scoring.....
Our next and final game is against JC Sports before we can chuck it all in for this year.
If we cancel the game then we get a £40 and lose 3-0.
Just to recap that would be a £2 reduction for each player and we would probably concede more than 3 goals in the game ? The Pig would never need to know, so the pints and sausages would still be there !
Where's the negative ?
I'm joking of course. We have a couple of weeks off but will be completing the season after that.
Training will continue throughout the summer to give us all something to do and confirm that we will be the best-trained, closest group of players ever to grace Division 4 (assuming Kempy can't keep us up again this year by performing another unspeakable act on the league fixtures secretary) (think 'Last Tango in Paris" but with a Fosters-top replacing the butter)
and finally
Don't forget to visit jonny West's crepe stand in the podium any day of the week.
Also be sure to catch Rich Green's production of "Mixed Doubles" at the Mission Theatre 15th-18th April.
Link here - http://www.missiontheatre.co.uk/_coming/2009_Mixed_Doubles.html
Maybe a club outing with a crepe afterwards ?
10 man pig fall to heavy loss as Ref shows red for Russ showing rectum....
It has taken several months of convincing this season, but the Pig touchline faithful were quite sure that we'd reached the bottom of the barrel and that our immediate future could only improve. Sunday went some considerable way to confirming that 90's feel-good popsters "D-ream" were quite wrong and in fact things can actually get worse.
We started the day in emergency fashion with the majority of our playing squad absent or not fit for selection. Kempy's customary fag-packet team sheet was sparse to say the least and so it was not without some considerable trepidation that we arrived at Lansdown with the bare minimum 11 players due to attend.
Five players arrived on time and the balance dribbled through the changing room doors like piss through a urinary infection. You knew they were coming but couldn't help but be disappointed at the length of time it took to happen. Last to arrive but signifying a welcome return to the Pig squad was world traveller and our favourite man from Sunderland, Nick Daines. Travelling has treated the chirpy northerner well, and his arrival promised to shore up a leaky defence. (more on that later)
The team to play the 90 minutes (well in most cases was)...
Russ
Sam
Barks
Nick Daines
Rich
Goughy
Rhys
Phil
Olly Embleton
Pooman
Damian
In glorious sunshine we kicked off and within the first 10 minutes we were down by a goal. The pacey Heritage attack outstripped our centreback pairing, and calmly finished past Rus as the Pig defensive line looked to the linesman (me) for salvation. In my opinion the striker had been just on side and, despite the ref seeking clarification from me, I stood by the decision.
Shortly afterwards and with Kempy having removed the flag from me (a nice vote of confidence) we were to go down by a second and then a third goal.
Half time was fast approaching when the unthinkable happened and Russ proved himself to be even more mental than I could have possibly imagined...
Nick Daines was caught in two minds on the ball and delivered something of a testing backpass to our extraordinary goalkeeper. Rus entered into a foot race with the Heritage striker and exchanged hugs with the little chap before seemingly bringing him down by the head. a stonewall penalty would have been given but for the fact that the ball bounced merrily into it's now familiar net. The ref clearly had to intervene and began making his way over to Russ who had become embroiled in a war of words with the Heritage team. As the ref neared our exhibitionist keeper, Russ decided that the best course of action would be to turn around, bend over, remove his shorts and underwear and manually pull the cheeks of his arse apart. Insult was duly added to bare-arsed injury when Russ invited somebody (the ref, a fellow player, god-knows) to "rape this, you little faggot" At this point and with even Tully looking absolutely incredulous, I felt I could no longer watch as the ref pulled out his red card and held it aloft.
Down to 10 men Adam Barker was forced to add another string to his bow and took to the goal like a sailor to a brothel. Five minutes to go until half time and Barks was more than a match for several efforts, casually running back to his own goal, diving full length and clawing the ball off the line with a reassuring panic that in no way had us concerned on the sidelines.
As a final kick in the nuts for the pig crowd and just before half time, Nick Daines was forced to withdraw with a recurring ankle injury that left the big man in some considerable pain (although moving perfectly well in Sainsburys tonight I note)
Nobody was looking forward to Kempy's weekly quest to find some positives more than I was at half-time.
In shocking scenes, and all too reminiscent of minutes earlier, Kempy shocked everyone by removing his trousers and getting changed into the goalkeepers kit. Whilst treating the encircled players to a vision like something out of a very-low budget porno, Kempy proceeded to tell 10 shocked faces that he would be going in goal as a substitution for Nick Daines. Despite some concerns from the players and dragging several of us behind him as we tried to restrain him, the big man returned to the goal.
Short of a fatality or Heritage bringing on a foul mouthed, transexual, exhibitionist dwarf, the second half was always going to struggle to be as much of a spectacle as the first. A further 3 goals were conceded and we didn't trouble the opposing keeper.
In an effort to add some extra spark, Tully was despatched to run the line and was heard to offer some very menacing threats towards anybody questioning his decisions.
A brief team critique will follow seeing as it is a week for experimenting it seems..
Kempy played as well as could be expected for a man recovering from knee surgery just two week previously. A couple of good saves mixed with more than a handful of immobile shockers that can be excused just this once.
Rich Green began suffering the effects of his recent cold late on in the game and was lucky to leave the pitch without St John's ambulance . Prior to that a good showing.
Rhys gave a creditable second half performance once his lungs had stopped burning from the first half.
Sam was arguably the player of the match but just missed out. He was up and down the flanks like a prostitute's underwear and showed remarkable fitness and leadership.
Barks was the man of the match. Playing brilliantly in defence and dribbling out of trouble on more than one occasion he had it all. The clean sheet in goal only adds to the glory.
Nick Daines - A welcome return for the big man who, the own goal and nasty injury aside, I'm sure had a lovely day !
Goughy was a slow starter but played excellently in the second half to aid the sieged defense.
Phil had another of his solid games, as usual getting on with the job in no-nonsense fashion. I don't know what he does in the army but I bet it's f*cking efficient.
Olly Embleton gave an excellent showing but fell in my estimation by cheating me out of £3.
Pooman began the day by demanding to be made captain. Minutes into the game he was whinging again and asking to be subbed, who the hell he thought we had available I don't know. Phil would never stand for this sort of shit in his platoon.
Damian had a frustrating day, chasing lost causes but making a nuisance of himself, We all dream of the day that he learns the other players names. He is to be credited for defending Russ to the opposing defender's taunts in an aggressive fashion.
The moment of the half came just 12 minutes before the end when Captain Embleton decided that we would save himself the full match fee by falling victim to a questionable ankle injury. The captain had been playing extraordinarily well and it was going to take a very special player indeed to fill the boots of our playmaker. Fortunately there was such a man on hand, somebody who has defied medical advice and rekindled a glittering football career on the astro pitches with such memorable highlights as a hat-trick just 2 short weeks ago. (you remember Jonny West, you were marking me for one of them) Unable to wear traditional boots, and so donning the red astro trainers that have dazzled defences in recent weeks, the special one took to the field for the final 10 minutes. Seemingly hours later, the same player left the pitch, wheezing heavily, boasting 3 meaningful touches, one bad header to give the ball away and holding a sense of resentment at having to pay the £3 that Captain Embleton had decided to avoid.
Despite being completely deserted, the pig was in good spirits on our return with Russell's antics at the forefront of conversation.
The sausage, beans and chips were again of a high standard and suspicions were confirmed when the plates were returned that Matty G was indeed at the helm. Thank god for his consistency in turbulent waters for the PF Locomotive.
Next week sees us take on Booyas with god-knows-who in goal. It will certainly be worth seeing...
We started the day in emergency fashion with the majority of our playing squad absent or not fit for selection. Kempy's customary fag-packet team sheet was sparse to say the least and so it was not without some considerable trepidation that we arrived at Lansdown with the bare minimum 11 players due to attend.
Five players arrived on time and the balance dribbled through the changing room doors like piss through a urinary infection. You knew they were coming but couldn't help but be disappointed at the length of time it took to happen. Last to arrive but signifying a welcome return to the Pig squad was world traveller and our favourite man from Sunderland, Nick Daines. Travelling has treated the chirpy northerner well, and his arrival promised to shore up a leaky defence. (more on that later)
The team to play the 90 minutes (well in most cases was)...
Russ
Sam
Barks
Nick Daines
Rich
Goughy
Rhys
Phil
Olly Embleton
Pooman
Damian
In glorious sunshine we kicked off and within the first 10 minutes we were down by a goal. The pacey Heritage attack outstripped our centreback pairing, and calmly finished past Rus as the Pig defensive line looked to the linesman (me) for salvation. In my opinion the striker had been just on side and, despite the ref seeking clarification from me, I stood by the decision.
Shortly afterwards and with Kempy having removed the flag from me (a nice vote of confidence) we were to go down by a second and then a third goal.
Half time was fast approaching when the unthinkable happened and Russ proved himself to be even more mental than I could have possibly imagined...
Nick Daines was caught in two minds on the ball and delivered something of a testing backpass to our extraordinary goalkeeper. Rus entered into a foot race with the Heritage striker and exchanged hugs with the little chap before seemingly bringing him down by the head. a stonewall penalty would have been given but for the fact that the ball bounced merrily into it's now familiar net. The ref clearly had to intervene and began making his way over to Russ who had become embroiled in a war of words with the Heritage team. As the ref neared our exhibitionist keeper, Russ decided that the best course of action would be to turn around, bend over, remove his shorts and underwear and manually pull the cheeks of his arse apart. Insult was duly added to bare-arsed injury when Russ invited somebody (the ref, a fellow player, god-knows) to "rape this, you little faggot" At this point and with even Tully looking absolutely incredulous, I felt I could no longer watch as the ref pulled out his red card and held it aloft.
Down to 10 men Adam Barker was forced to add another string to his bow and took to the goal like a sailor to a brothel. Five minutes to go until half time and Barks was more than a match for several efforts, casually running back to his own goal, diving full length and clawing the ball off the line with a reassuring panic that in no way had us concerned on the sidelines.
As a final kick in the nuts for the pig crowd and just before half time, Nick Daines was forced to withdraw with a recurring ankle injury that left the big man in some considerable pain (although moving perfectly well in Sainsburys tonight I note)
Nobody was looking forward to Kempy's weekly quest to find some positives more than I was at half-time.
In shocking scenes, and all too reminiscent of minutes earlier, Kempy shocked everyone by removing his trousers and getting changed into the goalkeepers kit. Whilst treating the encircled players to a vision like something out of a very-low budget porno, Kempy proceeded to tell 10 shocked faces that he would be going in goal as a substitution for Nick Daines. Despite some concerns from the players and dragging several of us behind him as we tried to restrain him, the big man returned to the goal.
Short of a fatality or Heritage bringing on a foul mouthed, transexual, exhibitionist dwarf, the second half was always going to struggle to be as much of a spectacle as the first. A further 3 goals were conceded and we didn't trouble the opposing keeper.
In an effort to add some extra spark, Tully was despatched to run the line and was heard to offer some very menacing threats towards anybody questioning his decisions.
A brief team critique will follow seeing as it is a week for experimenting it seems..
Kempy played as well as could be expected for a man recovering from knee surgery just two week previously. A couple of good saves mixed with more than a handful of immobile shockers that can be excused just this once.
Rich Green began suffering the effects of his recent cold late on in the game and was lucky to leave the pitch without St John's ambulance . Prior to that a good showing.
Rhys gave a creditable second half performance once his lungs had stopped burning from the first half.
Sam was arguably the player of the match but just missed out. He was up and down the flanks like a prostitute's underwear and showed remarkable fitness and leadership.
Barks was the man of the match. Playing brilliantly in defence and dribbling out of trouble on more than one occasion he had it all. The clean sheet in goal only adds to the glory.
Nick Daines - A welcome return for the big man who, the own goal and nasty injury aside, I'm sure had a lovely day !
Goughy was a slow starter but played excellently in the second half to aid the sieged defense.
Phil had another of his solid games, as usual getting on with the job in no-nonsense fashion. I don't know what he does in the army but I bet it's f*cking efficient.
Olly Embleton gave an excellent showing but fell in my estimation by cheating me out of £3.
Pooman began the day by demanding to be made captain. Minutes into the game he was whinging again and asking to be subbed, who the hell he thought we had available I don't know. Phil would never stand for this sort of shit in his platoon.
Damian had a frustrating day, chasing lost causes but making a nuisance of himself, We all dream of the day that he learns the other players names. He is to be credited for defending Russ to the opposing defender's taunts in an aggressive fashion.
The moment of the half came just 12 minutes before the end when Captain Embleton decided that we would save himself the full match fee by falling victim to a questionable ankle injury. The captain had been playing extraordinarily well and it was going to take a very special player indeed to fill the boots of our playmaker. Fortunately there was such a man on hand, somebody who has defied medical advice and rekindled a glittering football career on the astro pitches with such memorable highlights as a hat-trick just 2 short weeks ago. (you remember Jonny West, you were marking me for one of them) Unable to wear traditional boots, and so donning the red astro trainers that have dazzled defences in recent weeks, the special one took to the field for the final 10 minutes. Seemingly hours later, the same player left the pitch, wheezing heavily, boasting 3 meaningful touches, one bad header to give the ball away and holding a sense of resentment at having to pay the £3 that Captain Embleton had decided to avoid.
Despite being completely deserted, the pig was in good spirits on our return with Russell's antics at the forefront of conversation.
The sausage, beans and chips were again of a high standard and suspicions were confirmed when the plates were returned that Matty G was indeed at the helm. Thank god for his consistency in turbulent waters for the PF Locomotive.
Next week sees us take on Booyas with god-knows-who in goal. It will certainly be worth seeing...
and if one moaning yocal, should storm off in a strop.... they'll be 10 moaning locals.....
Sunday saw the much awaited re-match against our previous-week's opponents Bathford Rangers. The previous score had been an embarrassing 4-1 defeat in wind and hail and playing on a pitch that makes Lansdown look like Wembley.
This week we were sandwiched in to a changing room with 3 other teams and preparing to take a strong group onto the field in what can only be described as a "lovely day".
We started with one of the strongest teams in recent memory.....
Rus
Sam
Ant
Goughy
Rich
Olly D
Olly E
Phil
Ed Oddy
Jonny West
Pooman
Damian
Mikey Hall
Benji
Bathford started with the bare 11, 2 of whom were injured and a goalkeeper who had not yet started shaving and was conceding over a foot in height to Rus in our goal.
Within moments of the start we had gone one nil up when Olly Davis chased up a Jonny West shot and made a mockery of the keepers height problems by flicking it over him before finishing coolly into the net. Things were looking good.
Bathford decided to concentrate their early efforts on injuring a couple of our players and decided that Sam should be targeted for a little bit of physical abuse. The Bathford number 11 clattered into our club stalwart and fitness/medical expert on numerous occasions. Things came to a head when the meat-headed midfielder seemed to land/stamp on Sam's extended leg creating a sickening noise. In honesty Sam may admit that his second, third and forth anguished screams were possibly a little more than the situation called for but we should be in no doubt that the reaction of the brainless, fat Bathford supporter, who came onto the pitch to remonstrate and tell Sam to get up, should not be condoned. The fat bloke was recognised as usual Bathford keeper "Big Pearcey", famous of course for once punching our own Tanman in order to make his feelings known. As much as we hate the big guy on Sunday and as much as his comments were in very bad taste, how can you hate a man that punched Tanman ? You can't. We still love the big idiot and pray that one day they will meet again.
Carrying on with the game and once the number 11 had been booked for another lunge this time at Pooman (remarkable coincidence) things began to settle into more of a contest.
The Pig were controlling the play and looking quite tidy but seemed to lack that killer edge in front of goal. Time and time again we ended up piling down the middle only to meet a barrage of defenders and lose possession. Kempy will want to work on some expansive play in training this Thursday and could well do with looking to last weeks self titled "Hat-trick hero" to show the strikers a thing or two about finishing.
Half time came and went and to be honest I missed the majority of Kempy's speech as I had noticed that the team playing next to us had not one but 2 dwarves (is that the politically correct term for them ?) playing for them. Rich Green will doubtlessly want to be in contact with them for his theatre's Xmas panto as I hear they're doing Snow White this year. Rumours had abounded of Rich playing the lead but his skin tone was never going to be described as Snow White.
The second half saw us playing much the same and without much of an improvement from Bathford. Against the run they recorded an equaliser in true Pig-fashion, conceded from a long throw in. Once the disappointed had settled I prepared myself for a 1-1 result and began to worry about conceding further goals... Damian and Mikey Hall had been introduced for Ed and Rich Green and I should have had more faith (as Kempy told me) because before long we had put ourselves back in the driving seat with calm finish from Jonny West.
Some time later, and with us all pre-occupied with the game, the Bathford veteran striker and linesman's-enemy took issue with his captain's instruction and stormed from the pitch in the most hilarious scenes since Tanman was punched. (I just enjoy writing that now)
Down to 10 men (2 of whom were injured and 1 who hadn't yet started puberty) and you would think the game was ours for the taking. It wasn't.
Damian had a brilliant effort from long range that must have bounced on a spring as it cleared the cross bar. Other than that it seemed we had decided to play the remainder of the game from an offside position.
Just 10 minutes from the end saw Bathford draw level again with ridiculous ease. Minutes after that saw them hit the crossbar with a long range effort that caught Rus on one of his nature walks around his 18 yard box.
We finished the game pushing for the win but sadly it came to nothing. 2 all final score.
1 point is better than a loss and we gave a far better account of ourselves this time out.
Back at the Pig & Fiddle we had the dream-team of Matty "Heston Blumenthal" G in the kitchen and the lovely Biddy bringing the food. Sausages were back to their previous best and the chips and beans done to perfection. Kempy has been instructed to see if we can get a special of Matty G's fishcakes one week but so far nobody has the balls to ask Jen for this.
Next week sees us take on Heritage (our nearest rivals) in a must-win game given our league position.
Next week is also "Media-Day" with cameras for the end of season photograph etc etc. Shine your boots and get your mother to cut your hair. Alex you may want to consider finding a pair of your own socks for the day and returning Polly's to the drawer.
This week we were sandwiched in to a changing room with 3 other teams and preparing to take a strong group onto the field in what can only be described as a "lovely day".
We started with one of the strongest teams in recent memory.....
Rus
Sam
Ant
Goughy
Rich
Olly D
Olly E
Phil
Ed Oddy
Jonny West
Pooman
Damian
Mikey Hall
Benji
Bathford started with the bare 11, 2 of whom were injured and a goalkeeper who had not yet started shaving and was conceding over a foot in height to Rus in our goal.
Within moments of the start we had gone one nil up when Olly Davis chased up a Jonny West shot and made a mockery of the keepers height problems by flicking it over him before finishing coolly into the net. Things were looking good.
Bathford decided to concentrate their early efforts on injuring a couple of our players and decided that Sam should be targeted for a little bit of physical abuse. The Bathford number 11 clattered into our club stalwart and fitness/medical expert on numerous occasions. Things came to a head when the meat-headed midfielder seemed to land/stamp on Sam's extended leg creating a sickening noise. In honesty Sam may admit that his second, third and forth anguished screams were possibly a little more than the situation called for but we should be in no doubt that the reaction of the brainless, fat Bathford supporter, who came onto the pitch to remonstrate and tell Sam to get up, should not be condoned. The fat bloke was recognised as usual Bathford keeper "Big Pearcey", famous of course for once punching our own Tanman in order to make his feelings known. As much as we hate the big guy on Sunday and as much as his comments were in very bad taste, how can you hate a man that punched Tanman ? You can't. We still love the big idiot and pray that one day they will meet again.
Carrying on with the game and once the number 11 had been booked for another lunge this time at Pooman (remarkable coincidence) things began to settle into more of a contest.
The Pig were controlling the play and looking quite tidy but seemed to lack that killer edge in front of goal. Time and time again we ended up piling down the middle only to meet a barrage of defenders and lose possession. Kempy will want to work on some expansive play in training this Thursday and could well do with looking to last weeks self titled "Hat-trick hero" to show the strikers a thing or two about finishing.
Half time came and went and to be honest I missed the majority of Kempy's speech as I had noticed that the team playing next to us had not one but 2 dwarves (is that the politically correct term for them ?) playing for them. Rich Green will doubtlessly want to be in contact with them for his theatre's Xmas panto as I hear they're doing Snow White this year. Rumours had abounded of Rich playing the lead but his skin tone was never going to be described as Snow White.
The second half saw us playing much the same and without much of an improvement from Bathford. Against the run they recorded an equaliser in true Pig-fashion, conceded from a long throw in. Once the disappointed had settled I prepared myself for a 1-1 result and began to worry about conceding further goals... Damian and Mikey Hall had been introduced for Ed and Rich Green and I should have had more faith (as Kempy told me) because before long we had put ourselves back in the driving seat with calm finish from Jonny West.
Some time later, and with us all pre-occupied with the game, the Bathford veteran striker and linesman's-enemy took issue with his captain's instruction and stormed from the pitch in the most hilarious scenes since Tanman was punched. (I just enjoy writing that now)
Down to 10 men (2 of whom were injured and 1 who hadn't yet started puberty) and you would think the game was ours for the taking. It wasn't.
Damian had a brilliant effort from long range that must have bounced on a spring as it cleared the cross bar. Other than that it seemed we had decided to play the remainder of the game from an offside position.
Just 10 minutes from the end saw Bathford draw level again with ridiculous ease. Minutes after that saw them hit the crossbar with a long range effort that caught Rus on one of his nature walks around his 18 yard box.
We finished the game pushing for the win but sadly it came to nothing. 2 all final score.
1 point is better than a loss and we gave a far better account of ourselves this time out.
Back at the Pig & Fiddle we had the dream-team of Matty "Heston Blumenthal" G in the kitchen and the lovely Biddy bringing the food. Sausages were back to their previous best and the chips and beans done to perfection. Kempy has been instructed to see if we can get a special of Matty G's fishcakes one week but so far nobody has the balls to ask Jen for this.
Next week sees us take on Heritage (our nearest rivals) in a must-win game given our league position.
Next week is also "Media-Day" with cameras for the end of season photograph etc etc. Shine your boots and get your mother to cut your hair. Alex you may want to consider finding a pair of your own socks for the day and returning Polly's to the drawer.
Is there any pride left in this team ?
Anyone visiting the site to read a light-hearted report about another loss and the fact that Pooman was drunk and Kempy got lost again will be disappointed this week. Obviously those things happened but it is not the message that needs to go out following this weekend's loss to Bathford Rangers.
We lost 4-1 to a distinctly average Bathford side this week on a pitch that would make Cheddar gorge look like a snooker table. The wind was howling across the pitch and we struggled to come to terms with it in the way that we should have.
The worrying aspect of all this, and something that seemed to begin last week in the Belvedere loss, was the beginning of an attitude problem that I have never seen with the Pig before. Too many players were complaining and moaning about the performance but not enough of you are turning this into positive contribution and actually making a difference on the pitch.
We had the players and the team to beat Bathford on Sunday but we did not have the mindset or the attitude to do it.
We find ourselves with a week off this coming Sunday and then we have Bathford Rangers again, this time at Lansdown. Following that, we face Heritage, Booyas and JC Sports
Heritage are the team closest to our position and are 6 points clear of us on 13 points.
As a team we have got to challenge ourselves in the next 2 weeks to come back on the 22nd and play to the level that we know we are capable of.
A win on the 22nd and a win in the head to head against Heritage gives us an excellent chance of finishing the season in the unthinkable position of not bottom !!
It's not guaranteed and it certainly won't be easy but we should target at least 7 points out of 4 games and there's no reason why we can't give Booyas and JC Sports a fucking good shock as well.
We're not going to be troubling the trophy makers this year and we certainly aren't looking to win the league.... All I am saying is lets take these last 4 games on their individual merits and play with a bit of pride and togetherness.
This all starts in 2 weeks time in a game against Bathford which is ours for the taking. They've turned us over at their place on a shocking pitch and in shocking conditions. They didn't play very well and we certainly didn't give a good account of ourselves. We now have a rare chance to put things right straight away in a reverse fixture.
The squad will be announced for this game well in advance of the fixture so please come to training on Thursday with some idea of whether or not you are available and up for the challenge.
We lost 4-1 to a distinctly average Bathford side this week on a pitch that would make Cheddar gorge look like a snooker table. The wind was howling across the pitch and we struggled to come to terms with it in the way that we should have.
The worrying aspect of all this, and something that seemed to begin last week in the Belvedere loss, was the beginning of an attitude problem that I have never seen with the Pig before. Too many players were complaining and moaning about the performance but not enough of you are turning this into positive contribution and actually making a difference on the pitch.
We had the players and the team to beat Bathford on Sunday but we did not have the mindset or the attitude to do it.
We find ourselves with a week off this coming Sunday and then we have Bathford Rangers again, this time at Lansdown. Following that, we face Heritage, Booyas and JC Sports
Heritage are the team closest to our position and are 6 points clear of us on 13 points.
As a team we have got to challenge ourselves in the next 2 weeks to come back on the 22nd and play to the level that we know we are capable of.
A win on the 22nd and a win in the head to head against Heritage gives us an excellent chance of finishing the season in the unthinkable position of not bottom !!
It's not guaranteed and it certainly won't be easy but we should target at least 7 points out of 4 games and there's no reason why we can't give Booyas and JC Sports a fucking good shock as well.
We're not going to be troubling the trophy makers this year and we certainly aren't looking to win the league.... All I am saying is lets take these last 4 games on their individual merits and play with a bit of pride and togetherness.
This all starts in 2 weeks time in a game against Bathford which is ours for the taking. They've turned us over at their place on a shocking pitch and in shocking conditions. They didn't play very well and we certainly didn't give a good account of ourselves. We now have a rare chance to put things right straight away in a reverse fixture.
The squad will be announced for this game well in advance of the fixture so please come to training on Thursday with some idea of whether or not you are available and up for the challenge.
Beaten by Belvedere and The king is dead, long live the King.
1st March 2009 - Vs Belvedere.
This weekend was a bit shit to be honest. 10 of us went to Gloucester to see us get beaten at rugby, 2 of that 10 were disappointed to learn that Middlesborough put two goals past Liverpool and 12 players and 4 supporters turned up on Sunday to see our local rivals Belvedere beat us by 3 goals to 1. If all this wasn't enough then top scorer and easily one of the Pig's best players Jonny West has played his last game for the foreseeable future due to the grand opening on his new Crêperie in the Podium. (Quote this website for a10% discount on all Pig-based meats).
Doing his best to minimize our pain and opening his goal account in excellent fashion is new Portuguese signing, Miguel Santos. MIguel joined us as another friend of our Holland-based talent scout "Dutchy" (more on him later) and has been consistently performing at training for weeks. His form has been transferred to the Sunday pitches and we look forward to seeing him banging in goals for fun in the coming weeks.
Jonny leaves us as the high scorer for the season on 6 goals in all competitions. We have five games remaining and will be interested to see if anybody can pip Jonny to the post and earn the much coveted "minute behind the bar" in the Pig where the top scorer can drink what he can pour in a "Supermarket Sweep" style. Maybe a late surge from Pooman to ensure the top shelf gets a battering ?
A brief word on the match is customary and the players will feel disappointed that we failed to take anything from a game where we started so brightly and controlled large periods of the first half. Belvedere soaked up the pressure and were ruthless on the counter exposing defensive frailties and racking up 3 goals before half time.
The second half saw a much stronger Pig performance but in fairness to the Belvedere, they also upped their game. Our goal came after maybe 20 minutes with a delightfully timed Jonny West through-ball finding a scorching run from Miguel to beat the offside trap and the confident player slotted the ball under the keeper with an excellent finish.
The team was as follows:
Rus
Ant
Goughy
Barks
Sam
Ollie Davis
Silky
Olly Embleton
Mikey Hall
Miguel
Jonny
Rich Green came on as a substitute early in the second half for Jonny and very nearly gave us a showpiece finish as his free kick forced a fine save by the keeper.
Sadly Ed Oddy and Dutchy were both late withdrawals on the day due to missing a train and being called into work respectively. Dutchy's absence was especially disappointing as he had displayed some fine form in training and there was at least one Pig official calling for him to get a starting berth.
Rumours persist about Dutchy's scuffle with some Bath Arsenal players last year and if Rus is to be believed, the Dutchman has quite an extraordinary history of which we were previously completely unaware. Hopefully we can secure an exclusive in the near future.....
Sausages were back on the menu in the Pig following last week's absence but it seemed our friendly head chef had forgotten how to cook them in the meantime as they arriveda little chilly in the middle. Once they had been given a second blast however they were more than welcomed back at the table and provided excellent ballast for soaking up the alcohol in Kempy's stomach prior to the cup final loss for Spurs.
Next week is Bathford Rangers at Avondale Rugby Club. Let's not forget the wet changing room floors from last year, trenchfoot is to be expected.
This weekend was a bit shit to be honest. 10 of us went to Gloucester to see us get beaten at rugby, 2 of that 10 were disappointed to learn that Middlesborough put two goals past Liverpool and 12 players and 4 supporters turned up on Sunday to see our local rivals Belvedere beat us by 3 goals to 1. If all this wasn't enough then top scorer and easily one of the Pig's best players Jonny West has played his last game for the foreseeable future due to the grand opening on his new Crêperie in the Podium. (Quote this website for a10% discount on all Pig-based meats).
Doing his best to minimize our pain and opening his goal account in excellent fashion is new Portuguese signing, Miguel Santos. MIguel joined us as another friend of our Holland-based talent scout "Dutchy" (more on him later) and has been consistently performing at training for weeks. His form has been transferred to the Sunday pitches and we look forward to seeing him banging in goals for fun in the coming weeks.
Jonny leaves us as the high scorer for the season on 6 goals in all competitions. We have five games remaining and will be interested to see if anybody can pip Jonny to the post and earn the much coveted "minute behind the bar" in the Pig where the top scorer can drink what he can pour in a "Supermarket Sweep" style. Maybe a late surge from Pooman to ensure the top shelf gets a battering ?
A brief word on the match is customary and the players will feel disappointed that we failed to take anything from a game where we started so brightly and controlled large periods of the first half. Belvedere soaked up the pressure and were ruthless on the counter exposing defensive frailties and racking up 3 goals before half time.
The second half saw a much stronger Pig performance but in fairness to the Belvedere, they also upped their game. Our goal came after maybe 20 minutes with a delightfully timed Jonny West through-ball finding a scorching run from Miguel to beat the offside trap and the confident player slotted the ball under the keeper with an excellent finish.
The team was as follows:
Rus
Ant
Goughy
Barks
Sam
Ollie Davis
Silky
Olly Embleton
Mikey Hall
Miguel
Jonny
Rich Green came on as a substitute early in the second half for Jonny and very nearly gave us a showpiece finish as his free kick forced a fine save by the keeper.
Sadly Ed Oddy and Dutchy were both late withdrawals on the day due to missing a train and being called into work respectively. Dutchy's absence was especially disappointing as he had displayed some fine form in training and there was at least one Pig official calling for him to get a starting berth.
Rumours persist about Dutchy's scuffle with some Bath Arsenal players last year and if Rus is to be believed, the Dutchman has quite an extraordinary history of which we were previously completely unaware. Hopefully we can secure an exclusive in the near future.....
Sausages were back on the menu in the Pig following last week's absence but it seemed our friendly head chef had forgotten how to cook them in the meantime as they arriveda little chilly in the middle. Once they had been given a second blast however they were more than welcomed back at the table and provided excellent ballast for soaking up the alcohol in Kempy's stomach prior to the cup final loss for Spurs.
Next week is Bathford Rangers at Avondale Rugby Club. Let's not forget the wet changing room floors from last year, trenchfoot is to be expected.
Oh it stands for Social Club !
We turned up at Odd Down S.C after nearly an hour on the road following Kempy's inability to navigate his way from his scrotum to his arsehole let alone from the Pig to a local football pitch.
Tanman was in fine form and managed to insinuate that the ref was impotent in the bedroom within 30 seconds of meeting the man. Unsurprisingly we were to get little in the way of decisions out of him for the entire first half.
Despite being on the wrong end of a 5-1 scoreline, the Pig didn't look too bad for the first half and indeed much of the second.
Jonny West scored a decent goal at 1-0 to bring us level. Sadly that was it for the "goals for" tally.
Russ had a mixed day between the sticks. The lows of his kicking game exposing a fondness for the line (add your own joke) of both his penalty area and the right touchline leading to a bit of head-scratching and a free-kick awarded against. The undoubted high being a marvelous second half save in which he parried a shot away to his left from close range.
Tanman thought he had a man of the match performance but he's kidding himself again.
Pooman was subbed towards the end and is really learning to cope with it much better than he used to. I hope he's not bottling this rage up and may one day unleash in the classroom.....
Ant had a good game in another pair of boots that cost more than my car. Apparently he's selling his used footwear on the Internet like a japanese schoolgirl. Presumably the laces on the right boot will be hardly worn given some of his efforts on goal.....
Miguel settled into his second game well and even brought his girlfriend to come and watch. He'll need to bring a pair of shinpads as well next time or risk meeting a less lenient ref.
Mikey Hall was this weeks man of the match. He had the best of the game and is displaying a brilliant touch, awareness and array of passing. Now if he can just stay fit for more than a fortnight.....
Sausage, beans and chips in the Pig has become Chicken Wings, Chips and a regular side (beans) so presumably Colonel Sanders has taken the head chef job upstairs. Hopefully a return to the traditional Sausage next week unless Ronald and Hamburgler do a job-share and do us a fillet-o-fish.....
Bath Arsenal have pulled out of the darts challenge and are claiming identity theft so suspicions are confirmed that they are scared of losing to us. Sadly we'll not be playing them again until next season so won't get the opportunity to beat them anytime soon. Maybe a summer friendly Kempy ?
Next week sees us take on FC Belvedere in our derby match....
Tanman was in fine form and managed to insinuate that the ref was impotent in the bedroom within 30 seconds of meeting the man. Unsurprisingly we were to get little in the way of decisions out of him for the entire first half.
Despite being on the wrong end of a 5-1 scoreline, the Pig didn't look too bad for the first half and indeed much of the second.
Jonny West scored a decent goal at 1-0 to bring us level. Sadly that was it for the "goals for" tally.
Russ had a mixed day between the sticks. The lows of his kicking game exposing a fondness for the line (add your own joke) of both his penalty area and the right touchline leading to a bit of head-scratching and a free-kick awarded against. The undoubted high being a marvelous second half save in which he parried a shot away to his left from close range.
Tanman thought he had a man of the match performance but he's kidding himself again.
Pooman was subbed towards the end and is really learning to cope with it much better than he used to. I hope he's not bottling this rage up and may one day unleash in the classroom.....
Ant had a good game in another pair of boots that cost more than my car. Apparently he's selling his used footwear on the Internet like a japanese schoolgirl. Presumably the laces on the right boot will be hardly worn given some of his efforts on goal.....
Miguel settled into his second game well and even brought his girlfriend to come and watch. He'll need to bring a pair of shinpads as well next time or risk meeting a less lenient ref.
Mikey Hall was this weeks man of the match. He had the best of the game and is displaying a brilliant touch, awareness and array of passing. Now if he can just stay fit for more than a fortnight.....
Sausage, beans and chips in the Pig has become Chicken Wings, Chips and a regular side (beans) so presumably Colonel Sanders has taken the head chef job upstairs. Hopefully a return to the traditional Sausage next week unless Ronald and Hamburgler do a job-share and do us a fillet-o-fish.....
Bath Arsenal have pulled out of the darts challenge and are claiming identity theft so suspicions are confirmed that they are scared of losing to us. Sadly we'll not be playing them again until next season so won't get the opportunity to beat them anytime soon. Maybe a summer friendly Kempy ?
Next week sees us take on FC Belvedere in our derby match....
Lunatics running the asylum as creaking Pig battle to a draw...
<<<<<<<<<BREAKING NEWS>>>>>> - Kempy spotted in Belvedere and Flan O Brien's at lunchtime. - No, he's not back on the lunchtime sauce again... word has it that on transfer deadline day Kempy has been sniffing around other clubs in a bid to land a major signing and blow some of the cash recently made available by that mysterious foreign man that came to watch training the other night....
Application has been made for an extension to the deadline as Kempy was unable to make it up the hill to Odd down in Snowy conditions and so had to settle for town based pub players.... God knows what we'll have signed once Kempy is 5 pints of Fosters to the better....
Anyway back to the match report....
This week saw a good number of Pig first-team regulars unavailable due to one reason or another and so presented Kempy with the opportunity to try out one or two of the new prospects and those coming back from absence in a game that promised to be full-blooded following a no-holds barred 22-man fighting fixture in the home leg in 2008.....
Kempy however decided that he'd rather be stuffing fivers into the G-string of an attractive Estonian girl in a Bournemouth nightclub and so packed his bags for a weekend stag-do.
Match day preparations were therefore shared among the more responsible players and so obviously Goughy was free from being given any task outside turning up on time......
Due to a prior arrangement and an unfeasibly long wait for a Sausage sandwich in that greasy spoon on the lower Bristol road I arrived at Tramway's pitch just as the second half got underway.
The first half had apparently been very eventful with Jonny West bagging a goal and missing a penalty. Inexplicably Pooman had popped up to slot home the resulting rebound and so we were entering the halfway stage at 2 goals to 1.
The bad news of the half was crunch-tackler Tim Lucy being forced to withdraw from the game with a badly sprained ankle. Everyone wishes the defensive enforcer a speedy recovery.
The second half began in calamitous fashion with Tramways pulling back a goal to make it 2 each. Fairly nondescript marking leaving a Tramways striker in gaping space and he duly slotted.
At this stage I was confined to viewing from the car due to adverse weather conditions and missed another Tramways goal making it 3 goals to 2 as we approached the final 20 minutes.
Imagine the scenes from my viewing seat as new goal-machine Jonny West gave another scorching run through the defence and stroked home to leave us 3-3 with all to play for suddenly.
The seesaw continued with Tramways belting a wonderful free kick beyond Rus and into the goal for a 4-3 lead and thoughts turned to a possible defeat....
Fortune favours the brave and with barely 10 minutes to play Goughy get on the end of a corner with one of the best headed goals I have ever seen. Their near post man didn't see or hear it coming and so duly ducked when it appeared hurtling towards him.
At 4 goals each I could scarcely have hoped for more drama but Tramways conspired to have 2 men sent off in the dying minutes, the second of which for kicking the ball at our tubby referee. A couple of minutes of 11 versus 9 ensued but there wasn't really enough time for us to capitalise.
The Pig will be glad of the point from the game, and buoyed by a decent performance from a team lacking some of the regulars. Tramways will look back at an expensive afternoon but cannot honestly complain about the result.
I cannot comment on the first half but the man of the match based on second half performace was Jonny West by a country mile. Inspirational running at the Tramways defence created space and opportunity every time. This was some of the best attacking form we have showed all year.
Next week sees us take on Bathford Rangers on Lansdown.
Application has been made for an extension to the deadline as Kempy was unable to make it up the hill to Odd down in Snowy conditions and so had to settle for town based pub players.... God knows what we'll have signed once Kempy is 5 pints of Fosters to the better....
Anyway back to the match report....
This week saw a good number of Pig first-team regulars unavailable due to one reason or another and so presented Kempy with the opportunity to try out one or two of the new prospects and those coming back from absence in a game that promised to be full-blooded following a no-holds barred 22-man fighting fixture in the home leg in 2008.....
Kempy however decided that he'd rather be stuffing fivers into the G-string of an attractive Estonian girl in a Bournemouth nightclub and so packed his bags for a weekend stag-do.
Match day preparations were therefore shared among the more responsible players and so obviously Goughy was free from being given any task outside turning up on time......
Due to a prior arrangement and an unfeasibly long wait for a Sausage sandwich in that greasy spoon on the lower Bristol road I arrived at Tramway's pitch just as the second half got underway.
The first half had apparently been very eventful with Jonny West bagging a goal and missing a penalty. Inexplicably Pooman had popped up to slot home the resulting rebound and so we were entering the halfway stage at 2 goals to 1.
The bad news of the half was crunch-tackler Tim Lucy being forced to withdraw from the game with a badly sprained ankle. Everyone wishes the defensive enforcer a speedy recovery.
The second half began in calamitous fashion with Tramways pulling back a goal to make it 2 each. Fairly nondescript marking leaving a Tramways striker in gaping space and he duly slotted.
At this stage I was confined to viewing from the car due to adverse weather conditions and missed another Tramways goal making it 3 goals to 2 as we approached the final 20 minutes.
Imagine the scenes from my viewing seat as new goal-machine Jonny West gave another scorching run through the defence and stroked home to leave us 3-3 with all to play for suddenly.
The seesaw continued with Tramways belting a wonderful free kick beyond Rus and into the goal for a 4-3 lead and thoughts turned to a possible defeat....
Fortune favours the brave and with barely 10 minutes to play Goughy get on the end of a corner with one of the best headed goals I have ever seen. Their near post man didn't see or hear it coming and so duly ducked when it appeared hurtling towards him.
At 4 goals each I could scarcely have hoped for more drama but Tramways conspired to have 2 men sent off in the dying minutes, the second of which for kicking the ball at our tubby referee. A couple of minutes of 11 versus 9 ensued but there wasn't really enough time for us to capitalise.
The Pig will be glad of the point from the game, and buoyed by a decent performance from a team lacking some of the regulars. Tramways will look back at an expensive afternoon but cannot honestly complain about the result.
I cannot comment on the first half but the man of the match based on second half performace was Jonny West by a country mile. Inspirational running at the Tramways defence created space and opportunity every time. This was some of the best attacking form we have showed all year.
Next week sees us take on Bathford Rangers on Lansdown.
The magic of the cup. Isn't it ? Wasn't it ? Jerseys for goalposts.....
***Breaking news***Breaking news***Breaking news***Breaking news***
Last week's match report cancelled due to Benji scoring a decent goal. Normal service now resumed and no further Benji goal-enforced cancellations expected in the foreseeable future !
Game was lost 2-1.
So on to this week and we found ourselves gripped with big-cup fever as a suitable chance to put our league worries behind us for a bit.
Bristol City Supporters club were our now regular opponents and it has to be said that after 3 games against them this season, what a nice bunch they are. Not at all what we are used to on the slopes of Lansdown.
The morning began with old friend and Sunday league big-mouth Tanman rejoining us in the changing rooms for a rare Sunday run-out. As much as we love to hate the comedic 6 foot bell-end, he's one that you would rather have in your team than against. Word is that he is returning to the West in June so expect a further fall in property prices in the Englishcombe lane area.
Another start was duly given to the quickly-settling Ed Oddy despite the weather-hardened gardener sporting a flamboyant new haircut that would put one of Kempy's bi-annual straightenings to shame.
Back to terrify strikers, physios and the staff of the local ambulance service was Tim "Chopper" Lucy. Mercifully easing himself back into it with a place on the bench to begin with.....
New Portuguese signing and Thursday-evening dynamo Miguel was drafted in for his first start for the club and looked right at ease playing as pretty much a lone front man. Thoughts turn to a winter training camp in the Algarve next season and hopefully Kempy can make some headway in convincing the young striker that his family can accommodate 20 drunken English part-time footballers.
Making a surprise appearance well in advance of kick-off was Pooman although his sobriety was notable by it's absence, arriving a good hour and twenty minutes later. A concerned Pooman has been forced into a lifestyle of drink and darts following the lingering presence of tabloid reporters in Bath following the shocking revelations about Bath rugby in the press this week. Displaying a new found fondness for the chalk of the dart-board, Pooman has been being beaten at "Killer" all week by anyone that will play him.
Finally the ever faithful Kempy was in arguably his best position and despite some scathing words from Jonny West, gave a solid performance with the lino flag once again.
So the line-up in full
"Much less Angry these days" Rus
Sam
Goughy
Tanman
Ant
Pooman
Phil
Olly Embleton
Jonny
Ed
"San" Miguel
Sub - Tim Lucy
The first half saw one of our best performances in living memory. We were linking defence with attack with ease and making a good BCSC team look distinctly ordinary. Olly and Jonny in the middle gave us an attacking threat not seen since Craig Johnston and Peter Beardsley controlled everything good about football in the 80's (except when Beardo's nob fell out of his shorts of course... distressing scenes which nobody had paid to see).
Phil sat "in the hole" and gave us a steady defensive footing as only the cold-eyed assassin can. Miguel showed some glimpses of foreign brilliance not seen such a young Argentinean by the name of Lucas left us for his native shores.
We went a goal up after Tanman managed to out jump the jolly green giant for a corner. The BCSC centre back stood tall at just under 9 foot but somehow Tanman rose like a Haddock and missed the ball. An unknown BCSC player somehow bundled it into the goal whilst Tanman landed heavily and feigned injury to one of his knees. The touchline support whilst concerned with his injury were quick to point out that those knees seem to be carrying a couple more stone than they used to these days. Seemingly London streets are paved with cake.
Goal number 2 (yep, 2 !) came from a delightful move culminating in Olly Embleton sliding home a cultured finish with Swedish finesse.
We were in command and with the exception of a vicious effort rebounding back of our post, BCSC had little to shout about....
The second half saw things pan out slightly differently. BCSC were playing for pride and laid siege to the Pig goal for most of the half. Luck played a massive part in day and they again hit the post, or our players with every shot. Particular mention must go to Rus who was absolutely outstanding in the goal. Countless one on ones were thwarted and some good close saves kept the Pig in the driving seat.
Slightly against the run but with in a class of it's own was (sit down) the Pig's 3rd goal. Jonny West unleashed a delight from 20, 25, 30 yards (ask him) and the keeper was stranded as he found the corner. Having witnessed Jonny miss the goal with every attempt at Thursday training, there were few of his team mates that were not astounded by this finish.
The game all but won, we finished off in style with Miguel asking questions of the lumbering centre back and eventually getting the big man booked for a series of late and clumsy challenges. 2 of the free-kicks were despatched to the corner flag by Tanman who seemed to be playing a rugby-style kick for touch game and use the resulting territory. Naturally he was barracked from the sidelines for his stupidity and Toblerone shaped foot.
Final mention must go to Pooman for a strop at being substituted resulting in the nightclub scrapper looking menacing as he advanced on me and sidelined skipper Silky. A series of "f*cks" aimed at nobody in particular calmed the anally-named midfielder down, particularly when coupled with the discovery of Goughy's rolling tobacco.
Man of the match is difficult to call this week with several good performances across the side. Ant had a good game, Ed Oddy is showing composure and a good touch, Miguel settled in very well... but this week has to go to Rus for an exceptional day between the posts and a clean sheet. See Kempy for your free-pint.
Next week sees us take on Tramways at their place which gives the added bonus of seeing me dodge the 12.45 First Great Western service to Paddington whilst trying to recover the ball following one of Jonny's wilder shots....
Last week's match report cancelled due to Benji scoring a decent goal. Normal service now resumed and no further Benji goal-enforced cancellations expected in the foreseeable future !
Game was lost 2-1.
So on to this week and we found ourselves gripped with big-cup fever as a suitable chance to put our league worries behind us for a bit.
Bristol City Supporters club were our now regular opponents and it has to be said that after 3 games against them this season, what a nice bunch they are. Not at all what we are used to on the slopes of Lansdown.
The morning began with old friend and Sunday league big-mouth Tanman rejoining us in the changing rooms for a rare Sunday run-out. As much as we love to hate the comedic 6 foot bell-end, he's one that you would rather have in your team than against. Word is that he is returning to the West in June so expect a further fall in property prices in the Englishcombe lane area.
Another start was duly given to the quickly-settling Ed Oddy despite the weather-hardened gardener sporting a flamboyant new haircut that would put one of Kempy's bi-annual straightenings to shame.
Back to terrify strikers, physios and the staff of the local ambulance service was Tim "Chopper" Lucy. Mercifully easing himself back into it with a place on the bench to begin with.....
New Portuguese signing and Thursday-evening dynamo Miguel was drafted in for his first start for the club and looked right at ease playing as pretty much a lone front man. Thoughts turn to a winter training camp in the Algarve next season and hopefully Kempy can make some headway in convincing the young striker that his family can accommodate 20 drunken English part-time footballers.
Making a surprise appearance well in advance of kick-off was Pooman although his sobriety was notable by it's absence, arriving a good hour and twenty minutes later. A concerned Pooman has been forced into a lifestyle of drink and darts following the lingering presence of tabloid reporters in Bath following the shocking revelations about Bath rugby in the press this week. Displaying a new found fondness for the chalk of the dart-board, Pooman has been being beaten at "Killer" all week by anyone that will play him.
Finally the ever faithful Kempy was in arguably his best position and despite some scathing words from Jonny West, gave a solid performance with the lino flag once again.
So the line-up in full
"Much less Angry these days" Rus
Sam
Goughy
Tanman
Ant
Pooman
Phil
Olly Embleton
Jonny
Ed
"San" Miguel
Sub - Tim Lucy
The first half saw one of our best performances in living memory. We were linking defence with attack with ease and making a good BCSC team look distinctly ordinary. Olly and Jonny in the middle gave us an attacking threat not seen since Craig Johnston and Peter Beardsley controlled everything good about football in the 80's (except when Beardo's nob fell out of his shorts of course... distressing scenes which nobody had paid to see).
Phil sat "in the hole" and gave us a steady defensive footing as only the cold-eyed assassin can. Miguel showed some glimpses of foreign brilliance not seen such a young Argentinean by the name of Lucas left us for his native shores.
We went a goal up after Tanman managed to out jump the jolly green giant for a corner. The BCSC centre back stood tall at just under 9 foot but somehow Tanman rose like a Haddock and missed the ball. An unknown BCSC player somehow bundled it into the goal whilst Tanman landed heavily and feigned injury to one of his knees. The touchline support whilst concerned with his injury were quick to point out that those knees seem to be carrying a couple more stone than they used to these days. Seemingly London streets are paved with cake.
Goal number 2 (yep, 2 !) came from a delightful move culminating in Olly Embleton sliding home a cultured finish with Swedish finesse.
We were in command and with the exception of a vicious effort rebounding back of our post, BCSC had little to shout about....
The second half saw things pan out slightly differently. BCSC were playing for pride and laid siege to the Pig goal for most of the half. Luck played a massive part in day and they again hit the post, or our players with every shot. Particular mention must go to Rus who was absolutely outstanding in the goal. Countless one on ones were thwarted and some good close saves kept the Pig in the driving seat.
Slightly against the run but with in a class of it's own was (sit down) the Pig's 3rd goal. Jonny West unleashed a delight from 20, 25, 30 yards (ask him) and the keeper was stranded as he found the corner. Having witnessed Jonny miss the goal with every attempt at Thursday training, there were few of his team mates that were not astounded by this finish.
The game all but won, we finished off in style with Miguel asking questions of the lumbering centre back and eventually getting the big man booked for a series of late and clumsy challenges. 2 of the free-kicks were despatched to the corner flag by Tanman who seemed to be playing a rugby-style kick for touch game and use the resulting territory. Naturally he was barracked from the sidelines for his stupidity and Toblerone shaped foot.
Final mention must go to Pooman for a strop at being substituted resulting in the nightclub scrapper looking menacing as he advanced on me and sidelined skipper Silky. A series of "f*cks" aimed at nobody in particular calmed the anally-named midfielder down, particularly when coupled with the discovery of Goughy's rolling tobacco.
Man of the match is difficult to call this week with several good performances across the side. Ant had a good game, Ed Oddy is showing composure and a good touch, Miguel settled in very well... but this week has to go to Rus for an exceptional day between the posts and a clean sheet. See Kempy for your free-pint.
Next week sees us take on Tramways at their place which gives the added bonus of seeing me dodge the 12.45 First Great Western service to Paddington whilst trying to recover the ball following one of Jonny's wilder shots....
That was the year that was......
As 2008 draws to a close there can be few members of PF Locomotive who won't feel more than a little kicked in the balls following a year in which we managed pitifully few wins and so end the 12 months rooted at the foot of the table.
The good news of course is that we have recently rediscovered some winning form and the early indications point to a potentially good 2009 campaign.
Our most recent and thus far unreported games (sorry) saw us lose 3-2 to Bristol City Supporters Club in another game that we should have won.... Indeed the BCSC manager was kind enough to tell Kempy that he thought we were better than them in both games we played.
The final game before Christmas saw us bag a convincing 2-0 win against the Crown and Horseshoe and heralded Rus' first clean sheet in living memory. Euphoric scenes greeted the final whistle. Every player performed in this game and we looked like a quality side. As usual we were late to take to the field and Kempy was threatening to take to the pitch at one stage..... Mercifully Goughy and a still-drunk Pooman (is there any other kind of Pooman ?) arrived and shored up the team. Special mention was promised and so is duly given to Goughy wearing his girlfriends underwear to the game (socks count as underwear right ?) Not only was he sporting a pair of ankle socks in pastel colours but he didn't even have the good grace to find a matching pair !
Man of the match award is to be shared for this one between stand-in skipper Olly Embleton and Mikey Hall. Olly gave a captain's performance whilst Mikey capped a memorable display with a superb goal.
It's only fair to point out the superb pig and fiddle sausages for the final game not to mention Peter's new take on a traditional classic by adding pepper to the chips ! The man is rivalling Heston Blumenthal with his daring ideas....
January sees us with a packed fixture list, including another go at the Bristol City Supporters Club, this time in the cup....
The leaderboard is hotting up now that we are actually scoring some goals. Don't forget the winner of top goal scorer gets a minute behind the bar at the Pig to pour himself as many drinks as he can... If any further incentive for Pooman to start a goal rush were needed.....
Happy new year to all players and WAGS, see you on the 4th January if not before.
Cancel the film crew Roy, we've stopped the run...
Grappa Wine bar, The Olde Farmhouse, Belvedere Wine vaults, Kwok Sings Chinese restaurant - Belvedere, can you hear us ?... Your boys took one hell of a beating.....
Well OK only 2-1 but christ it feels like a thrashing.
Sometimes miracles do happen if you believe..... I didn't need to sit down and watch "Miracle on 34th Street" on Sunday evening to know this was true, I had witnessed the spectacle myself in glorious sunshine on the slopes of Lansdown.
It is with Pavarotti belting out 25 stones worth of Nessun Dorma and a tear in my eye that I sit now and reminis on the day that football came home to the Pig & Fiddle.
In fact so moving were the extraordinary footballing scenes witnessed that I feel it only fair to call a one-week temporary suspension of all Kempy-based piss taking although I can't promise anything....
Benji picked me up from home in yet another Mazda mum-truck and we made our way up to Lansdown in treacherous minus 3 conditions.
On arrival, Silky ushered me to one side and seemed extremely keen to make clear his optimism that we were in with a fair chance of getting a result today, thoughts briefly turned once again to whether Silky has a drink problem and was still-pissed..... Smiling, agreeing and offering him the change for a kebab I swiftly made an exit from the changing room and sought out Kempy. The big-man (as in tall not fat) was shaking his head in disbelief as he recounted the growing list of absentees from the team.
Adam Barker was absent without leave. (Later found to be on a cricket club piss-up)
Goughy & Pooman were making their way back from Andover and scheduled to be over an hour late (nothing new for Goughy)
Olly Embleton was still throwing some extraordinary shapes in front of a sizeable pair of speakers
Ollie Davis had gone to the University by mistake, giving rise once again to the meat-headed gym monkey rumours... and he claims to have obtained some kind of degree last week.
Ant had slept in after taking 3 hours to reconcile his till following his evening bar shift. We are not exactly blessed with brains in this side....
I was despatched in Kempy's go-kart to collect Ant from down the road.
Returning to Lansdown we had managed to acquire the 2 Ollies and had heard tell that Poo and Goughy were hot-footing across the West-Country like some sort of unpleasant Thelma and Louise tribute.
On entering the changing room my suspicions were instantly aroused when Kempy was being extraordinarily pleasant. The truth was quick to appear when the news broke that our Ref had turned his ankle whilst "seeing to his chicken on the ice" (a bizarre west-country euphemism ?) and thus we were required to find a suitable idiot prepared to have his morning ruined for less money than Nike pay their Indonesian kids.
A flat refusal seemed to fall on deaf ears and still the big man persisted with badgering me to officiate. Taking to the pitch I offered a compromise... I would officiate, but given that half the pitch was still frozen, I would have no option but to call it off as un-playable. Kempy directed his badgering to the Belvedere team's substitute and was able to convince a weaker minded individual that he should do it.
We kicked off with the team looking as follows...
Russ
Sam
Kempy (.....yes that's right Kempy..... No, he's not too old or out of shape....... No he had a good game......)
Olly Embleton
Ant
Benji
Silky
Phil
Mikey Hall
Ollie Davis
Damo
Had I not seen the first half with my own eyes then I would never have believed that this Pig team were capable of such a display. Our entire outlook had changed in one short week.
We were playing the expansive game to great effect with Ollie Davis showing some of his midweek confidence and delivering some brilliant cross balls and speculative efforts that we have been crying out for.
Silky was as vocal and committed as I have ever seen him or indeed any Pig captain. No quarter was being asked or given from the terrier-like midfield dynamo.
Damo was in good Mancunian voice once again and taking his new "team mates by numbers" policy to great heights with shouts of "Well played 2" or "good pass 4" heard far more often than the formality of given names. One noticeable exception was Goughy who has earned the nickname "Giggsy" Rumours of an agressive chest-rug abound.
Ant played at left back like he was born to be there, linking with Ollie Davis on the wing the play was superb.
Equally brilliant on the other wing and in some of the best form, actually fuck it, the best form I have ever seen him in, Benji looked pacey and threatening. Usually pacey is as far as we get....
Kempy had an assured performance at centre-back, playing with knee-ligament damage and a fractured wrist you cannot question his stupidity/commitment
Too many good performances to mention but suffice to say we were a different team.
Our goal came deservedly at around the 30 minute mark with a wonderful goal from Mikey Hall taking us into half time 1-nil up.
Poo-Thelma and Louise had now arrived and Louise was to be thrown into the mix straight away. Olly Embleton had suffered a funny turn and was starting the long descent from the high that he had been on the previous evening. The gifted defender's face was rapidly turning paler and he was in no state to play on.
Louise was paired with Kempy at centre-back for at least 10 minutes until the selfless Kempy would take the referee's whistle and officiate the remainder of the game.
The second half kicked off with us still mentally pitch-side and it was not a great surprise when Belvedere equalised with a pinpoint corner and low-drive into the Pig net.
At 1 each there was the strong possibility of a decline into the usual Pig capitulation.
Captain Silk had other ideas though and, grabbing the game by the scruff of the neck, picked up the team and drove us on to a winning goal...
Ollie Davis broke down the flank and finally unleashed some midweek-magic which snuck through the keeper. 2-1
Belvedere pushed in the closing stages but in honesty the Pig were more than a match for the late pressure. Rus was rarely troubled in the goal and we looked both assured and confident.
Poo-thelma's appearance for a 15 minute cameo at the end was particularly pleasing as the punchy defender soon managed to upset the Belvedere's fiery Turkish striker. Kempy was able to calm the situation though and the Pig held on for a deserved and thoroughly overdue victory.
I was unable to sample the post-match food in the Pig after being handed a 1 match ban following my comments of last week regarding the sausages. I'm sure they were well up to scratch this week and fingers-crossed they weren't purchased in Ireland.....
Onwards and upwards next week and I for one can't wait to see what the team looks like.... M.Kemp starting at centre back ?
Well OK only 2-1 but christ it feels like a thrashing.
Sometimes miracles do happen if you believe..... I didn't need to sit down and watch "Miracle on 34th Street" on Sunday evening to know this was true, I had witnessed the spectacle myself in glorious sunshine on the slopes of Lansdown.
It is with Pavarotti belting out 25 stones worth of Nessun Dorma and a tear in my eye that I sit now and reminis on the day that football came home to the Pig & Fiddle.
In fact so moving were the extraordinary footballing scenes witnessed that I feel it only fair to call a one-week temporary suspension of all Kempy-based piss taking although I can't promise anything....
Benji picked me up from home in yet another Mazda mum-truck and we made our way up to Lansdown in treacherous minus 3 conditions.
On arrival, Silky ushered me to one side and seemed extremely keen to make clear his optimism that we were in with a fair chance of getting a result today, thoughts briefly turned once again to whether Silky has a drink problem and was still-pissed..... Smiling, agreeing and offering him the change for a kebab I swiftly made an exit from the changing room and sought out Kempy. The big-man (as in tall not fat) was shaking his head in disbelief as he recounted the growing list of absentees from the team.
Adam Barker was absent without leave. (Later found to be on a cricket club piss-up)
Goughy & Pooman were making their way back from Andover and scheduled to be over an hour late (nothing new for Goughy)
Olly Embleton was still throwing some extraordinary shapes in front of a sizeable pair of speakers
Ollie Davis had gone to the University by mistake, giving rise once again to the meat-headed gym monkey rumours... and he claims to have obtained some kind of degree last week.
Ant had slept in after taking 3 hours to reconcile his till following his evening bar shift. We are not exactly blessed with brains in this side....
I was despatched in Kempy's go-kart to collect Ant from down the road.
Returning to Lansdown we had managed to acquire the 2 Ollies and had heard tell that Poo and Goughy were hot-footing across the West-Country like some sort of unpleasant Thelma and Louise tribute.
On entering the changing room my suspicions were instantly aroused when Kempy was being extraordinarily pleasant. The truth was quick to appear when the news broke that our Ref had turned his ankle whilst "seeing to his chicken on the ice" (a bizarre west-country euphemism ?) and thus we were required to find a suitable idiot prepared to have his morning ruined for less money than Nike pay their Indonesian kids.
A flat refusal seemed to fall on deaf ears and still the big man persisted with badgering me to officiate. Taking to the pitch I offered a compromise... I would officiate, but given that half the pitch was still frozen, I would have no option but to call it off as un-playable. Kempy directed his badgering to the Belvedere team's substitute and was able to convince a weaker minded individual that he should do it.
We kicked off with the team looking as follows...
Russ
Sam
Kempy (.....yes that's right Kempy..... No, he's not too old or out of shape....... No he had a good game......)
Olly Embleton
Ant
Benji
Silky
Phil
Mikey Hall
Ollie Davis
Damo
Had I not seen the first half with my own eyes then I would never have believed that this Pig team were capable of such a display. Our entire outlook had changed in one short week.
We were playing the expansive game to great effect with Ollie Davis showing some of his midweek confidence and delivering some brilliant cross balls and speculative efforts that we have been crying out for.
Silky was as vocal and committed as I have ever seen him or indeed any Pig captain. No quarter was being asked or given from the terrier-like midfield dynamo.
Damo was in good Mancunian voice once again and taking his new "team mates by numbers" policy to great heights with shouts of "Well played 2" or "good pass 4" heard far more often than the formality of given names. One noticeable exception was Goughy who has earned the nickname "Giggsy" Rumours of an agressive chest-rug abound.
Ant played at left back like he was born to be there, linking with Ollie Davis on the wing the play was superb.
Equally brilliant on the other wing and in some of the best form, actually fuck it, the best form I have ever seen him in, Benji looked pacey and threatening. Usually pacey is as far as we get....
Kempy had an assured performance at centre-back, playing with knee-ligament damage and a fractured wrist you cannot question his stupidity/commitment
Too many good performances to mention but suffice to say we were a different team.
Our goal came deservedly at around the 30 minute mark with a wonderful goal from Mikey Hall taking us into half time 1-nil up.
Poo-Thelma and Louise had now arrived and Louise was to be thrown into the mix straight away. Olly Embleton had suffered a funny turn and was starting the long descent from the high that he had been on the previous evening. The gifted defender's face was rapidly turning paler and he was in no state to play on.
Louise was paired with Kempy at centre-back for at least 10 minutes until the selfless Kempy would take the referee's whistle and officiate the remainder of the game.
The second half kicked off with us still mentally pitch-side and it was not a great surprise when Belvedere equalised with a pinpoint corner and low-drive into the Pig net.
At 1 each there was the strong possibility of a decline into the usual Pig capitulation.
Captain Silk had other ideas though and, grabbing the game by the scruff of the neck, picked up the team and drove us on to a winning goal...
Ollie Davis broke down the flank and finally unleashed some midweek-magic which snuck through the keeper. 2-1
Belvedere pushed in the closing stages but in honesty the Pig were more than a match for the late pressure. Rus was rarely troubled in the goal and we looked both assured and confident.
Poo-thelma's appearance for a 15 minute cameo at the end was particularly pleasing as the punchy defender soon managed to upset the Belvedere's fiery Turkish striker. Kempy was able to calm the situation though and the Pig held on for a deserved and thoroughly overdue victory.
I was unable to sample the post-match food in the Pig after being handed a 1 match ban following my comments of last week regarding the sausages. I'm sure they were well up to scratch this week and fingers-crossed they weren't purchased in Ireland.....
Onwards and upwards next week and I for one can't wait to see what the team looks like.... M.Kemp starting at centre back ?
The trouble with Tramways.....
This game was pencilled in the Pig diary as a potential 3 pointer as Tramways are only marginally less shit than us at the moment. The reality of the day was a 9 goal, Pig- penalty (yes it was Phil), Damian hat-trick, Benji wrestling, Kempy reffing, freezing cold, Sunday shambles.
We were playing on the raised pitch with the inexplicable wooden ranch-style fence around it leading to severe delays and some hilarious antics from Rus when collecting the ball. The first sight greeting me pitch side was a fairly sturdy looking noose attached to the railings. Presumably the Uni have heard about our losing streak and have made some assumptions. Don't miss the toaster in the showers next week or the bumper jar of paracetamol in the changing rooms for us all to ease our Sunday worries.
Tramways are an irritable bunch of slack-jawed yocals with an assortment of idiots thrown in for good measure. It was little surprise that referee-for-the-day Kempy had his work cut out putting our fiery situations across the pitch.
Unsurprisingly Tramways took the lead and kept it throughout the game. Goals were being scored with alarming ease.
It's not the time to over-analyse so we'll keep the story brief.
Lost 6-3 at full time.
Damian grabbed a hat-trick in some style.
Phil continued his run (or should that be "didn't continue his run"?) by going down easier than a cockney-hooker for Damo to score his 3rd from the penalty spot. I have already begun telephoning local key-cutter and shoe repairers to see if any of them carry a trophy of a man diving for the end of season award.
Rich Green's groin was playing up and he had to withdraw before the midway point. (Not a scenario that Greener has ever suffered with the ladies he assures us)
I was called a cheating c*nt for the second time in my brief linesman career. I know I don't cheat but maybe I am a c*nt ?
Benji indulged the crowd with a display of Greco-roman wrestling on the Tramways right back. Apparently anger and frustration led to Benji administering a "good-hugging" to the opposition player. We're not sure what came over him but not since Barrymore's pool party have 2 male bodies been so entwined. Note should be made that Benji declined the post-game "sausage" at the pig in preference to getting back to the wife and administering a hugging of biblical proportions in the way that nature intended.
The post-match food in the Pig was the worst since records began. Cold everything, insufficient chips and over-done sausages. Thankfully Goughy is back at the helm this weekend to ensure previous standards are met.
In sad news, Kempy has re-damaged his wrist playing in goal on a Monday. Nobody was more surprised than me to see Ant manage to get a shot on target and Kempy manage to get his hands in the way. 2 miracles like that were also going to lead to at least one disaster.... Best wishes are extended to the big man for his forthcoming appointment with the specialist. Apparently after 3 breaks they'll fit him with an Abu Hamza-style hook. We're hoping to buy him interchangeable ends for it and suggestions so far are pint holder, lino flag and calculator (for work)
We have FC Belvedere next week and on current form we should pray for a plague of locusts or something equally game-cancelling.
We were playing on the raised pitch with the inexplicable wooden ranch-style fence around it leading to severe delays and some hilarious antics from Rus when collecting the ball. The first sight greeting me pitch side was a fairly sturdy looking noose attached to the railings. Presumably the Uni have heard about our losing streak and have made some assumptions. Don't miss the toaster in the showers next week or the bumper jar of paracetamol in the changing rooms for us all to ease our Sunday worries.
Tramways are an irritable bunch of slack-jawed yocals with an assortment of idiots thrown in for good measure. It was little surprise that referee-for-the-day Kempy had his work cut out putting our fiery situations across the pitch.
Unsurprisingly Tramways took the lead and kept it throughout the game. Goals were being scored with alarming ease.
It's not the time to over-analyse so we'll keep the story brief.
Lost 6-3 at full time.
Damian grabbed a hat-trick in some style.
Phil continued his run (or should that be "didn't continue his run"?) by going down easier than a cockney-hooker for Damo to score his 3rd from the penalty spot. I have already begun telephoning local key-cutter and shoe repairers to see if any of them carry a trophy of a man diving for the end of season award.
Rich Green's groin was playing up and he had to withdraw before the midway point. (Not a scenario that Greener has ever suffered with the ladies he assures us)
I was called a cheating c*nt for the second time in my brief linesman career. I know I don't cheat but maybe I am a c*nt ?
Benji indulged the crowd with a display of Greco-roman wrestling on the Tramways right back. Apparently anger and frustration led to Benji administering a "good-hugging" to the opposition player. We're not sure what came over him but not since Barrymore's pool party have 2 male bodies been so entwined. Note should be made that Benji declined the post-game "sausage" at the pig in preference to getting back to the wife and administering a hugging of biblical proportions in the way that nature intended.
The post-match food in the Pig was the worst since records began. Cold everything, insufficient chips and over-done sausages. Thankfully Goughy is back at the helm this weekend to ensure previous standards are met.
In sad news, Kempy has re-damaged his wrist playing in goal on a Monday. Nobody was more surprised than me to see Ant manage to get a shot on target and Kempy manage to get his hands in the way. 2 miracles like that were also going to lead to at least one disaster.... Best wishes are extended to the big man for his forthcoming appointment with the specialist. Apparently after 3 breaks they'll fit him with an Abu Hamza-style hook. We're hoping to buy him interchangeable ends for it and suggestions so far are pint holder, lino flag and calculator (for work)
We have FC Belvedere next week and on current form we should pray for a plague of locusts or something equally game-cancelling.
Pig downed by battling JC Sports
Another week another crushing defeat... or so you would think.......
Actually there are murmurings amongst players and the touchline massive that the Pig are turning a corner. Yes we lost by 2 goals to 1, but our performance was by no means discreditable and you get the feeling that next weeks fixture against near rivals Tramways could be the turning point to reverse 9 months of hurt.
Last Thursday's training introduced "those that train" to a new signing for the Pig. Brought in from the dizzy heights of division one's Jazz sports, we were delighted to welcome Rus' mate Damian to training.
Kempy was nursing a semi after being told that Damian is a striker by trade and indeed was seen disappearing into the long grass, hunched over his fist, after seeing the new striker chalk up a goal at his first attempt through Rus' legs.
Thursday's evidence was enough for our new Mancunian friend to earn a starting berth up front and he did not disappoint.
The first half saw us playing up hill and against a fairly brisk wind on a pitch resembling a ploughed field. Most of the half was spent pinned in our own box, with Russ being peppered with speculative efforts from all over the place. I was one of the busier Pig regulars in my efforts of frequently climbing a barbed wire fence to retrieve footballs that JC had blasted over the bar. Indeed not until my 3rd visit into the unfamiliar woodland did I notice the sign warning all concerned that this was a live firing range. It is by the grace of god that I am still typing and not lying bloodied on the floor like a Brazillian tourist in London (too soon ?)
During one of my sorties into enemy territory and under cover of heavy sniper fire, JC sports took the lead with what I am told was a decent shot from distance that came through a crowd and left Rus nothing he could do to stop it.
Rather than capitulate the Pig did what they do best and sent Phil up front to try and deceive the ref into giving us a penalty with one of his trademark dives. Moments later and after a beautiful swan-dive/pike that little Tom Daley would have been proud of, the ref was pointing to the spot, the JC side were going mental, and Phil was gingerly getting to his feet and chalking up another assist on the Rich Green goal tally. Naturally Rich Green drove the equaliser home with an assured finish despite his injury difficulties that we'll not discuss here..... Suffice to say the toilet roll has been cleared a space in the chiller compartment next to the Sunny Delight in the Green household.
Special mention should also be made of Jonny's effort later in the second half that snuck just wide of the goal.. but lets not dwell on that, he's big headed enough as it is.
Half time came around with us locked at 1 each and the promise of a good slope and tailwind to help us in the second half.
In actual fact it was JC that coped best with the second half conditions as the Pig struggled to get any shots on target in the second 45. We were guilty of playing too much down the middle of the pitch which resembled a mudbath and not spreading the ball to the relatively grassy flanks.
JC had a couple of decent efforts, hitting the post with a rasping shot and shooting narrowly wide with another. It was not without precedent therefore, when the goal came from a shot deflected off the steroid-infused body of Olly Davis. Rus was wrong footed and the goal crushed the hearts of the touchline faithful.
Having felt close to at least a draw, we were staring at the abyss once again as the prospect of 0 points again settled in. Kempy had other ideas however and with a late free kick awarded, he quickly told the ref that he planned a late substitution. He removed his trousers and took to the field like Red Rum took to Ascot for a parade lap several years after they retired him. Jogging up to the 18 yard box and with things moving that would be chafing painfully later on, Kempy looked like he was going to drag us back into the game.
Naturally any story that begins with "Kempy removed his trousers..." is bound to end in tears and of course the ball came nowhere near him.
The ref blew for full time and the fairytale ending was denied (although Kempy did have to pay £3 for 3 minutes of football !!)
Man of the match was Olly Embleton without a shadow of a doubt. Quite simply an awesome performance, solid defensively and razor sharp in attack. A different class of player.
A special mention must go to Mikey Hall who would have won this week but for Olly's sublime performance. Mikey dealt with their quickest attacker all game and looked full of assurance on the ball.
Next week is Tramways and maybe..... just maybe.....
Actually there are murmurings amongst players and the touchline massive that the Pig are turning a corner. Yes we lost by 2 goals to 1, but our performance was by no means discreditable and you get the feeling that next weeks fixture against near rivals Tramways could be the turning point to reverse 9 months of hurt.
Last Thursday's training introduced "those that train" to a new signing for the Pig. Brought in from the dizzy heights of division one's Jazz sports, we were delighted to welcome Rus' mate Damian to training.
Kempy was nursing a semi after being told that Damian is a striker by trade and indeed was seen disappearing into the long grass, hunched over his fist, after seeing the new striker chalk up a goal at his first attempt through Rus' legs.
Thursday's evidence was enough for our new Mancunian friend to earn a starting berth up front and he did not disappoint.
The first half saw us playing up hill and against a fairly brisk wind on a pitch resembling a ploughed field. Most of the half was spent pinned in our own box, with Russ being peppered with speculative efforts from all over the place. I was one of the busier Pig regulars in my efforts of frequently climbing a barbed wire fence to retrieve footballs that JC had blasted over the bar. Indeed not until my 3rd visit into the unfamiliar woodland did I notice the sign warning all concerned that this was a live firing range. It is by the grace of god that I am still typing and not lying bloodied on the floor like a Brazillian tourist in London (too soon ?)
During one of my sorties into enemy territory and under cover of heavy sniper fire, JC sports took the lead with what I am told was a decent shot from distance that came through a crowd and left Rus nothing he could do to stop it.
Rather than capitulate the Pig did what they do best and sent Phil up front to try and deceive the ref into giving us a penalty with one of his trademark dives. Moments later and after a beautiful swan-dive/pike that little Tom Daley would have been proud of, the ref was pointing to the spot, the JC side were going mental, and Phil was gingerly getting to his feet and chalking up another assist on the Rich Green goal tally. Naturally Rich Green drove the equaliser home with an assured finish despite his injury difficulties that we'll not discuss here..... Suffice to say the toilet roll has been cleared a space in the chiller compartment next to the Sunny Delight in the Green household.
Special mention should also be made of Jonny's effort later in the second half that snuck just wide of the goal.. but lets not dwell on that, he's big headed enough as it is.
Half time came around with us locked at 1 each and the promise of a good slope and tailwind to help us in the second half.
In actual fact it was JC that coped best with the second half conditions as the Pig struggled to get any shots on target in the second 45. We were guilty of playing too much down the middle of the pitch which resembled a mudbath and not spreading the ball to the relatively grassy flanks.
JC had a couple of decent efforts, hitting the post with a rasping shot and shooting narrowly wide with another. It was not without precedent therefore, when the goal came from a shot deflected off the steroid-infused body of Olly Davis. Rus was wrong footed and the goal crushed the hearts of the touchline faithful.
Having felt close to at least a draw, we were staring at the abyss once again as the prospect of 0 points again settled in. Kempy had other ideas however and with a late free kick awarded, he quickly told the ref that he planned a late substitution. He removed his trousers and took to the field like Red Rum took to Ascot for a parade lap several years after they retired him. Jogging up to the 18 yard box and with things moving that would be chafing painfully later on, Kempy looked like he was going to drag us back into the game.
Naturally any story that begins with "Kempy removed his trousers..." is bound to end in tears and of course the ball came nowhere near him.
The ref blew for full time and the fairytale ending was denied (although Kempy did have to pay £3 for 3 minutes of football !!)
Man of the match was Olly Embleton without a shadow of a doubt. Quite simply an awesome performance, solid defensively and razor sharp in attack. A different class of player.
A special mention must go to Mikey Hall who would have won this week but for Olly's sublime performance. Mikey dealt with their quickest attacker all game and looked full of assurance on the ball.
Next week is Tramways and maybe..... just maybe.....
A roundup of beatings.....
This month the following teams have pulled our trousers down and given us a dry humping....
26th October
Crown & Whores-shoe - Lost 2-1
9th November
Larkhall Vets - Lost 8-2
16th November
Heritage - Lost 2-1
Match reports will return to normal next week.
26th October
Crown & Whores-shoe - Lost 2-1
9th November
Larkhall Vets - Lost 8-2
16th November
Heritage - Lost 2-1
Match reports will return to normal next week.
Juande Kempy backs himself to steer us out of trouble....
They both manage football teams, they both lost their strikers before the season, they have both guided their respective clubs to rock bottom of the league. That is of course where the similarity ends though because, whilst Ramos is facing the sack and the Spurs faithful are considerably shaken by this nosedive, Kempy is remarkably chipper about our current predicament and the board at the Pig & Fiddle couldn't give a toss how we get on so long as enough beer is consumed. Kempy has that particular statistic all sorted.
Sunday inflicted itself upon me with a matter-of-fact phone call from Pritch. "Get out of bed and dressed in 7 minutes and you'll get a lift to football".
Pulling up to the Pig at least 15 minutes later and with Pritch threatening to have a verbal outburst at me for my timekeeping, we found Rhys and Theo Walcot waiting patiently. Theo had his shiny silver ball with him which he seems to have taken to like Gollum from Lord of the rings. Packing their kitbags into the boot, and with "precious" staying safe on Theo's lap we pressed on towards the Uni.
On arrival at changing room 16 I was shocked to see the figure of captain and medical doctor, Mike Silk, looking like a man that spent the week in his car and eating from the bins. Reassurance was given that the lovely Mrs Silk has not kicked him out but that he was just wearing his "Sunday-worst" and naturally looks like a bag of bollocks at that time in the morning following an evening on the sauce. Relief all round.
Our team of "first choice stars"/ "those that were available despite a big party hosted by 2 former pig barmaids on the Saturday night" was......
1) Angry Rus
2) Sam
3) Olly Davis
4) Barker
5) Rich Green
6) Pritch
7) Theo Walcot
8) Silky
9)Rhys
10)Dutchy
11)Phil
12) Tim Lucy
13)Joe Scott
14) Benji
Dutchy had earned himself a starting berth with considerable good press being generated from his training work and excellent finishing we have witnessed. The touchline faithful were just glad of a break from the Dutchman's flatulence which has been ranked as some of the worst I've ever known even including Rich Green's past atrocities.
Adam Barker has been impressing in training matches for several months now (not least when he described me as a player with "vision") and Kempy has been under considerable pressure (particularly from one envisioned player) to include him in the squad. A worrying knee injury seemingly behind him, Barks was ready for his comeback.
On the subject of comebacks, everyone from the Pig team was greatly encouraged to see Tim Lucy taking to the field again. Starting him as a sub gave me a chance to take in a bit of insight from the no-nonsense defender, and if we can get Tim back regularly then we will be a much stronger team for it. We need somebody to give a bit of bite and rid us of the lovable losers tag that we are earning.
The word from the league is that they lost a bit of money in the whole Iceland debacle and so are very keen to see Tim's return and the potential to rack up a few more quid on the old Yellow card fruit machine. They have also suggested we seek out Tanman and possibly Tully and will give us the nod for registration if the credit crunch continues.
The first half saw us create a decent couple of chances but no breakthrough was forthcoming. Bath Arsenal on the other hand were pretty pacey out wide and had players keen to take us on and capable of delivering a decent final ball. Disappointment knocked twice in the first half and saw us slip behind by 2 goals due to a bit of sloppy defending and a hesitancy to put a foot through it in the box.
The half time team talk was passionate and the usual faces gave us some pretty strong feedback, Pritch was concise yet animated, Rich Green was animated yet concise and Kempy was neither. Silky gave a couple of pearls of wisdom to complete the interval and back to it.
Early in the second half and with a tactical insight that I never would have believed possible, Kempy had, what I believe alcoholics call, a "moment of clarity".
Through the mouthpiece of Rich Green, he ushered me over to his lino position and began to speak in tongues in a trance like state. Using a Marlboro light as makeshift smelling salts I brought the big man back to his senses as he delivered the following monologue.....
"Send Barker north to the realms of attack, despatching the flatulent Dutchman to the sidelines of Gondor. Return Tim Lucy to the killing fields from whence he came and replace the cockney for Rhys in middle earth"
Consulting my Lord of the rings phrasebook I suddenly realised that for the first time in my time having known Kempy, he was making good footballing sense.
No sooner had it began than it finished. His eyes rolling back to normal and resuming their glazed expression he began to tell me again how Spurs would make Europe this season. (Just so we're clear, they have more chance of booking an XL flight piloted by Denis Bergkamp to Europe than they do of qualifying through conventional means)
The changes were made and all of a sudden the Pig looked deadly. Dutchy announced his return to the sidelines with a trumpeting from his shorts like something from the Jungle book followed by a lingering proof that he definitely had an egg for breakfast.
30 seconds later and with the whole subs bench and supporters now 15 feet down the touchline we were treated to a break from Phil as he advanced one on one with the keeper. This season's diving maestro did not disappoint and gave us another delight that would have made Mr & Mrs Daley proud if little Tom had produced it. Ginger-ref had no hesitation in blowing his whistle and giving a penalty. Rus vocalised his support for a red card from his own goal mouth and managed to infuriate a supporting pensioner on the sidelines that I was forced to try and calm down. Having witnessed Rus instructing Benji to "f*ck his knee up" as I was approaching goal on our Thursday training session I was able to offer the gentleman some advice that whilst he may be right, he was in danger of getting a part of his anatomy "f*cked up" if not by our angry keeper then by Benji, his willing henchman.
Rich green stepped up and despatched the penalty assuredly into the corner of the net.
2-1
The Pig played football for about 25 minutes. Barks looked threatening upfront and Tim Lucy was despatching anything that had the nerve to try and break into the box with controlled aggression. We were using the width and also Joe Scott had managed to pop up and fill the space in the middle that we had been ignoring for such long periods.
The highlight of the half for me saw Pritch through on goal and striking a first time back pass to the keeper before admonishing himself with the words "You f*cking ginger bell-end" The pig crowd were quick to support him and tell him he's not a ginger bell-end. If anything he's more strawberry blond.
As is traditional we had the usual Pig capitulation at the end. Giving away a penalty and a sloppy late effort we finished the game beaten 4-1.
We had shown some signs of a better performance this week and we weren't too despondent despite the result. Kempy seemed pleased as punch by the way he came bounding over beaming like a cheshire cat and congratulating everybody. I had to go at this point, it was too much for me....
Late news - Rich Green in diplomatic effort to persuade ref to rescind Red card issued to angry Rus, after the final whistle. God knows what happened but more news as it unfolds......
Next week sees us take on the Crown and Horseshoe, at Manor Road ?? refereed by the Nazi (who incidentally was confronted by an angry team management last week during ugly scenes of protest on the pitch next to ours)
Sunday inflicted itself upon me with a matter-of-fact phone call from Pritch. "Get out of bed and dressed in 7 minutes and you'll get a lift to football".
Pulling up to the Pig at least 15 minutes later and with Pritch threatening to have a verbal outburst at me for my timekeeping, we found Rhys and Theo Walcot waiting patiently. Theo had his shiny silver ball with him which he seems to have taken to like Gollum from Lord of the rings. Packing their kitbags into the boot, and with "precious" staying safe on Theo's lap we pressed on towards the Uni.
On arrival at changing room 16 I was shocked to see the figure of captain and medical doctor, Mike Silk, looking like a man that spent the week in his car and eating from the bins. Reassurance was given that the lovely Mrs Silk has not kicked him out but that he was just wearing his "Sunday-worst" and naturally looks like a bag of bollocks at that time in the morning following an evening on the sauce. Relief all round.
Our team of "first choice stars"/ "those that were available despite a big party hosted by 2 former pig barmaids on the Saturday night" was......
1) Angry Rus
2) Sam
3) Olly Davis
4) Barker
5) Rich Green
6) Pritch
7) Theo Walcot
8) Silky
9)Rhys
10)Dutchy
11)Phil
12) Tim Lucy
13)Joe Scott
14) Benji
Dutchy had earned himself a starting berth with considerable good press being generated from his training work and excellent finishing we have witnessed. The touchline faithful were just glad of a break from the Dutchman's flatulence which has been ranked as some of the worst I've ever known even including Rich Green's past atrocities.
Adam Barker has been impressing in training matches for several months now (not least when he described me as a player with "vision") and Kempy has been under considerable pressure (particularly from one envisioned player) to include him in the squad. A worrying knee injury seemingly behind him, Barks was ready for his comeback.
On the subject of comebacks, everyone from the Pig team was greatly encouraged to see Tim Lucy taking to the field again. Starting him as a sub gave me a chance to take in a bit of insight from the no-nonsense defender, and if we can get Tim back regularly then we will be a much stronger team for it. We need somebody to give a bit of bite and rid us of the lovable losers tag that we are earning.
The word from the league is that they lost a bit of money in the whole Iceland debacle and so are very keen to see Tim's return and the potential to rack up a few more quid on the old Yellow card fruit machine. They have also suggested we seek out Tanman and possibly Tully and will give us the nod for registration if the credit crunch continues.
The first half saw us create a decent couple of chances but no breakthrough was forthcoming. Bath Arsenal on the other hand were pretty pacey out wide and had players keen to take us on and capable of delivering a decent final ball. Disappointment knocked twice in the first half and saw us slip behind by 2 goals due to a bit of sloppy defending and a hesitancy to put a foot through it in the box.
The half time team talk was passionate and the usual faces gave us some pretty strong feedback, Pritch was concise yet animated, Rich Green was animated yet concise and Kempy was neither. Silky gave a couple of pearls of wisdom to complete the interval and back to it.
Early in the second half and with a tactical insight that I never would have believed possible, Kempy had, what I believe alcoholics call, a "moment of clarity".
Through the mouthpiece of Rich Green, he ushered me over to his lino position and began to speak in tongues in a trance like state. Using a Marlboro light as makeshift smelling salts I brought the big man back to his senses as he delivered the following monologue.....
"Send Barker north to the realms of attack, despatching the flatulent Dutchman to the sidelines of Gondor. Return Tim Lucy to the killing fields from whence he came and replace the cockney for Rhys in middle earth"
Consulting my Lord of the rings phrasebook I suddenly realised that for the first time in my time having known Kempy, he was making good footballing sense.
No sooner had it began than it finished. His eyes rolling back to normal and resuming their glazed expression he began to tell me again how Spurs would make Europe this season. (Just so we're clear, they have more chance of booking an XL flight piloted by Denis Bergkamp to Europe than they do of qualifying through conventional means)
The changes were made and all of a sudden the Pig looked deadly. Dutchy announced his return to the sidelines with a trumpeting from his shorts like something from the Jungle book followed by a lingering proof that he definitely had an egg for breakfast.
30 seconds later and with the whole subs bench and supporters now 15 feet down the touchline we were treated to a break from Phil as he advanced one on one with the keeper. This season's diving maestro did not disappoint and gave us another delight that would have made Mr & Mrs Daley proud if little Tom had produced it. Ginger-ref had no hesitation in blowing his whistle and giving a penalty. Rus vocalised his support for a red card from his own goal mouth and managed to infuriate a supporting pensioner on the sidelines that I was forced to try and calm down. Having witnessed Rus instructing Benji to "f*ck his knee up" as I was approaching goal on our Thursday training session I was able to offer the gentleman some advice that whilst he may be right, he was in danger of getting a part of his anatomy "f*cked up" if not by our angry keeper then by Benji, his willing henchman.
Rich green stepped up and despatched the penalty assuredly into the corner of the net.
2-1
The Pig played football for about 25 minutes. Barks looked threatening upfront and Tim Lucy was despatching anything that had the nerve to try and break into the box with controlled aggression. We were using the width and also Joe Scott had managed to pop up and fill the space in the middle that we had been ignoring for such long periods.
The highlight of the half for me saw Pritch through on goal and striking a first time back pass to the keeper before admonishing himself with the words "You f*cking ginger bell-end" The pig crowd were quick to support him and tell him he's not a ginger bell-end. If anything he's more strawberry blond.
As is traditional we had the usual Pig capitulation at the end. Giving away a penalty and a sloppy late effort we finished the game beaten 4-1.
We had shown some signs of a better performance this week and we weren't too despondent despite the result. Kempy seemed pleased as punch by the way he came bounding over beaming like a cheshire cat and congratulating everybody. I had to go at this point, it was too much for me....
Late news - Rich Green in diplomatic effort to persuade ref to rescind Red card issued to angry Rus, after the final whistle. God knows what happened but more news as it unfolds......
Next week sees us take on the Crown and Horseshoe, at Manor Road ?? refereed by the Nazi (who incidentally was confronted by an angry team management last week during ugly scenes of protest on the pitch next to ours)
Rovers, Rovers, Rovers, Rovers, Rovers, Rovers
We were playing against the bizarrely named Bristol City Supporters Club this week, a club seemingly borne out of a group of like-minded folk who all share a common enthusiasm for all things Bristol City and so have sought to emulate their heroes.
In the spirit of taking the name of things you enjoy Kempy has been pondering over re-naming PF Locomotive the "Fosters Top XI" or simply "The Dash of Gay". Rich Green has been extremely vocal in support of "Tanning Bed Veteran's XI" whilst Chris Allen has been campaigning for "2 Bottles of Rosé and a cuddle United"
I'm joking of course, these themed team names are a shit idea.
The morning got off to a rocky start when, on entering the Uni changing rooms I found the ref smelling suspiciously of sherry, puffing his chest out and indignantly telling anyone that would listen that he wouldn't play the game without corner flags and that we would be liable to a fine by the league. Lets be honest, the prospect of a fine from the league is hardly a bombshell given that they will fine you for writing a European seven on the team sheet rather than our beautiful native sevens.
Anyway, Pritch seized the initiative and instructed me to go to a location I had never heard of and steal corner flags from a junior football pitch. Perhaps incredibly I neglected to argue about the morality of this and set off with Benji keen to aide and abet. Walking through the university and with the angry ref calming and becoming uncomfortably familiar we headed to the car.
Fortune smiled on us when Olly Embleton announced via telephone that corner flags were already on pitch so we made our way there and returned the balaclavas and cutting equipment to my special equipment box in the back of the Peugeot that I was given by Tully years ago.
The pitch was quite possibly the nicest setting I have seen the Pig play in for at least 2 years. A flat, marked out, tree lined pitch was bathed in sunshine and had a wooden park bench, just right for the Pig officials and substitutes. Additionally there was a roped off "technical area" for Kempy to wander around in and spoil the view of everyone behind him.
The Blue kit was chosen and further evidence of kit theft was noticed with players having to provide their own shorts and socks in some cases. Skip in particular looked like a rag and bone man in a pair of long black shorts and vintage pig socks.
The team was as follows
Russ
Bish
Skip
Goughy
Alan
Mike Hall
Olly Embleton
Pritch
Phil
Ant
Silky
Subs
Sam
Benji
Dutchy
The first concern was our lack of a recognised strike partnership. Ant has shown great promise but is still in the early days of his Pig career. What he needs is solid game time with Jonny West to form a natural partnership. Sadly Jonny couldn't give a toss and buggered off to London for a party instead. Silky stepped admirably into the void but whilst our star-skipper is a terrier in midfield he is not quite so clinical in front of goal. Not the best day for the entire Silk family plus in-laws and new dog to come and watch him miss a hat full.
Throughout the first half the Pig looked threatening and created some lovely chances. BCSC were holding their own though, and were making use of the "route one" attack up to their unfeasibly tall striker "Crouchy".
Half time came just as I was beginning to drift into a sunshine induced snooze and Kempy was on-hand as usual to play cliché bingo. I was regrettably just one "Like I say" away from a full house and so the weeks jackpot of £2.36
The second half started as the first finished with a fairly even match up.
The BCSC breakthrough came somewhere around the 75 minute mark I think and was due largely to the Pig stopping for an offside that was never given.
As we pushed for an equaliser in the latter stages we were caught slightly stretched and BCSC doubled their lead with a disappointing goal. There was a good deal of Bristolian celebrations around us which stopped thankfully short of any sort of vehicle burning,
The last 5 minutes gave Kempy chance to unleash the blistering pace of Dutchy up front in an effort to expose tired legs. Nobody was more keen than me for Dutchy to take to the pitch, following a series of atrocities from the big Dutchman's arse.
Feeling safe to return to the bench once the mushroom cloud had dispersed I was amused to see 2 players clattered to the ground before the dutchman's tired legs were exposed after 5 minutes of play.
The game finished at 2-nil and the ref was able to go back to his car and make himself sick before attempting the long and savagely hungover drive back to his local for the lunchtime session.
We made our way back to the Pig and were treated to our first meaningful display of Sausage Beans and Chips of the season. Overall a rating of "fair to good" was offered with the last minute beans panic and the lack of any organic credentials for the sausages leading to points being deducted.
No game now until 12th October when we take on Flan's in the cup. Kempy tells me he's promised Benji a game and free reign to take the free kicks and penalties so this should mean that we'll have some free weekends later in the season when the next rounds are played.
This weeks Meg Stats are to be covered by me as she was away in Ibiza up until the night before the game. Here goes.
Percentage of analysts who said they would be there but probably stayed in bed following a week of debauchery in the Balearics = 100%
Number of let down pub-football teams following this decision = 1
In the spirit of taking the name of things you enjoy Kempy has been pondering over re-naming PF Locomotive the "Fosters Top XI" or simply "The Dash of Gay". Rich Green has been extremely vocal in support of "Tanning Bed Veteran's XI" whilst Chris Allen has been campaigning for "2 Bottles of Rosé and a cuddle United"
I'm joking of course, these themed team names are a shit idea.
The morning got off to a rocky start when, on entering the Uni changing rooms I found the ref smelling suspiciously of sherry, puffing his chest out and indignantly telling anyone that would listen that he wouldn't play the game without corner flags and that we would be liable to a fine by the league. Lets be honest, the prospect of a fine from the league is hardly a bombshell given that they will fine you for writing a European seven on the team sheet rather than our beautiful native sevens.
Anyway, Pritch seized the initiative and instructed me to go to a location I had never heard of and steal corner flags from a junior football pitch. Perhaps incredibly I neglected to argue about the morality of this and set off with Benji keen to aide and abet. Walking through the university and with the angry ref calming and becoming uncomfortably familiar we headed to the car.
Fortune smiled on us when Olly Embleton announced via telephone that corner flags were already on pitch so we made our way there and returned the balaclavas and cutting equipment to my special equipment box in the back of the Peugeot that I was given by Tully years ago.
The pitch was quite possibly the nicest setting I have seen the Pig play in for at least 2 years. A flat, marked out, tree lined pitch was bathed in sunshine and had a wooden park bench, just right for the Pig officials and substitutes. Additionally there was a roped off "technical area" for Kempy to wander around in and spoil the view of everyone behind him.
The Blue kit was chosen and further evidence of kit theft was noticed with players having to provide their own shorts and socks in some cases. Skip in particular looked like a rag and bone man in a pair of long black shorts and vintage pig socks.
The team was as follows
Russ
Bish
Skip
Goughy
Alan
Mike Hall
Olly Embleton
Pritch
Phil
Ant
Silky
Subs
Sam
Benji
Dutchy
The first concern was our lack of a recognised strike partnership. Ant has shown great promise but is still in the early days of his Pig career. What he needs is solid game time with Jonny West to form a natural partnership. Sadly Jonny couldn't give a toss and buggered off to London for a party instead. Silky stepped admirably into the void but whilst our star-skipper is a terrier in midfield he is not quite so clinical in front of goal. Not the best day for the entire Silk family plus in-laws and new dog to come and watch him miss a hat full.
Throughout the first half the Pig looked threatening and created some lovely chances. BCSC were holding their own though, and were making use of the "route one" attack up to their unfeasibly tall striker "Crouchy".
Half time came just as I was beginning to drift into a sunshine induced snooze and Kempy was on-hand as usual to play cliché bingo. I was regrettably just one "Like I say" away from a full house and so the weeks jackpot of £2.36
The second half started as the first finished with a fairly even match up.
The BCSC breakthrough came somewhere around the 75 minute mark I think and was due largely to the Pig stopping for an offside that was never given.
As we pushed for an equaliser in the latter stages we were caught slightly stretched and BCSC doubled their lead with a disappointing goal. There was a good deal of Bristolian celebrations around us which stopped thankfully short of any sort of vehicle burning,
The last 5 minutes gave Kempy chance to unleash the blistering pace of Dutchy up front in an effort to expose tired legs. Nobody was more keen than me for Dutchy to take to the pitch, following a series of atrocities from the big Dutchman's arse.
Feeling safe to return to the bench once the mushroom cloud had dispersed I was amused to see 2 players clattered to the ground before the dutchman's tired legs were exposed after 5 minutes of play.
The game finished at 2-nil and the ref was able to go back to his car and make himself sick before attempting the long and savagely hungover drive back to his local for the lunchtime session.
We made our way back to the Pig and were treated to our first meaningful display of Sausage Beans and Chips of the season. Overall a rating of "fair to good" was offered with the last minute beans panic and the lack of any organic credentials for the sausages leading to points being deducted.
No game now until 12th October when we take on Flan's in the cup. Kempy tells me he's promised Benji a game and free reign to take the free kicks and penalties so this should mean that we'll have some free weekends later in the season when the next rounds are played.
This weeks Meg Stats are to be covered by me as she was away in Ibiza up until the night before the game. Here goes.
Percentage of analysts who said they would be there but probably stayed in bed following a week of debauchery in the Balearics = 100%
Number of let down pub-football teams following this decision = 1
Booyas triumphant as Pig fall to opening day defeat...
In our first outing of the 2008/9 season, the Pig were matched up against our old friends Booyas.
Imagine our delight when we notice "Big Nev" was again to be controlling the midfield and kicking Silky to within an inch of his life.
The team sheet reads as follows..
1) Rus
2) Mike Hall
3) Alan
4) Pritch
5) Phil
6) Silky
7) Rich Green
8) Ant
9) Jonny
10) Olly
11) Benji
12) Ben Francis
13) Joe Scott
14) Dutchy
The first half was pretty even with the Pig going one behind before equalising through a Jonny West strike.
Half time was the usual scenes with a little tinkering from Kempy to give us the winning edge.
4 goal without reply for Booyas was the product of Kempy's masterclass and we ended the day 5-1 defeated.
The biggest news of the day was the attendance of our new analyst Meg. Armed with a clipboard and a camera with a very intrusive lens she has analysed every minute of the performance and posted her findings on the analyst's page. Please be sure to check out the stats (particularly you Benji)
No prizes for guessing the identity of the Booyas number 2 who was so often mentioned in the fouls column.
Pictures will follow in the very near future.
Special mention must go to Jimmer Allen who failed to turn up or provide any reason for absence. I've not seen Kempy this angry since they ran out of lemonade in the pig.
Dr Silk will be updating his captaincy page very soon also so all of a sudden we are growing a team of website contributors.
News on training will hopefully come this week so that we can nail down a regular Thursday slot. God knows we need it.
Pig Triumphant in 7 goal thriller....
I was in London-Town for the day so missed the excitement I'm afraid.
By all accounts an exciting game with Lucas bagging a brace, Phil getting the 3rd before Mike snuck the winner for us leaving us 4-3 victors.
I do also know that Rich Green missed a penalty.
The cockney also reports a "meleé" in the Pig later in the afternoon in which Kempy played a mediatory role in calming several nasty c*nts.
Apparently a brief scuffle ensued in which I was disappointed to hear that nobody managed to strike Kempy. Surely somebody could have jabbed him in the back and blamed one of these troublemakers ?
Next week sees the proper games start with the Pig drawn against Booyas in the opening game of the season. Kempy will be sending his usual text to his squad later in the week.
Training will switch to an evening time slot in the coming weeks (probably by the end of September) in order to take us through the winter season.
By all accounts an exciting game with Lucas bagging a brace, Phil getting the 3rd before Mike snuck the winner for us leaving us 4-3 victors.
I do also know that Rich Green missed a penalty.
The cockney also reports a "meleé" in the Pig later in the afternoon in which Kempy played a mediatory role in calming several nasty c*nts.
Apparently a brief scuffle ensued in which I was disappointed to hear that nobody managed to strike Kempy. Surely somebody could have jabbed him in the back and blamed one of these troublemakers ?
Next week sees the proper games start with the Pig drawn against Booyas in the opening game of the season. Kempy will be sending his usual text to his squad later in the week.
Training will switch to an evening time slot in the coming weeks (probably by the end of September) in order to take us through the winter season.
Tanman's working at Gap.
We played the Gap on Sunday morning in a bit of an unpleasant affair.
Nursing a hangover and having driven for a couple of hours to get to Lansdown I was in no mood to see Tanman loping across the pitch wearing the white of the Gap team. Coupled with Skip and Bish we were giving the opposition some useful players. Insult was duly added to injury in the form of new signing Rhys being drafted to join them when it was established they only had 10 men.
Gap were a useful bunch of players and caused us problems in a traumatic fist half. The Pig were stretched in defence and were playing a number of the regulars out of position.
Half time saw us go in 4 nil down and not looking likely to score in all honesty. Some tinkering from Kempy and an insight from Rich Green were to prove effective at invigorating us for the second period.
We won the second half 2-1 leaving us all done at a 5-2 loss.
A spectacular long range goal was scored by Phil which offered us some scant consolation on a day that nobody enjoyed.
Special mention must go to the tosser from the Gap who, rather than run the line for his team, preferred to stand and question the decisions of the Pig linesman. An outing is planned to the Gap store to question the way he folds his thin knit jumpers and hangs his loose-fit cords on the rail. Ar$ehole.
Final friendly against Metro on Sunday. Let Kempy know if you are unavailable....
Fixtures are now up for the first 2 league games too.....
New look Pig in convincing draw, James Allen in debut-goal shocker.
Long odds would have been offered on this one. The Pig not only holding division 1 opponents, Flans, to a draw, but actually holding a 2-1 lead going into the final 5 minutes. Couple that with Jimmer Allen displaying a goal scoring prowess and turn of pace that have been hitherto unseen from the younger Allen and you would agree I am sure that extraordinary scenes were unfolding up on Lansdown.
As usual we arrived at pitchside late and found our opponents and sporting friends (Pooman will disagree) Flan O Briens already changed and training. Refusing to be rushed into anything the Pig faithful went about the pre-match routine and launched into lighting up the cigarettes with enthusiasm.
As well as our usual band of brothers (from different mothers) we welcomed into the fold a host of new names. Probably best at this stage to run through the squad.
1) In goal and looking every ounce (insert your own weight joke) the keeper, it's Kempy.
2) Keeping the right back spot warm for Bish and giving a good account of himself as always. It's Gary Neville lookalike - Sam Maddock
3) At left back and a new addition from Aardvarks. It was the only Irishman in attendance (including all of the theme pub Flans o Brien's lot) Alan.
4) Temporarily housed at centre back and with murmurings of a run in attack being demanded, it's housewives favourite, Alex Gough.
5) Fresh to the team and playing with composure and awareness, it's centre-back colossus Tom Bergman (spelling ?)
6) At central midfield and every bit the senior statesman. It's every teenage girl's heartthrob Richy Green
7) On the right wing both in position and political views, it's the only man to have played for both sides Benjamin Haley
8) Safely back from honeymoon and controlling the midfield, it's Dr Silk
9) Up front, new signing, ex-Kingswood, Theo Walcott impersonator. Ant.
10) Fresh from missing goals on the Kingswood astro and in sparkling form. It's one half of the Allen brothers, Jimmer
11) Back roughing it with the Pig despite Saturday stardom in the big leagues. It's Pig favourite and the best thing to come from Sweden since "Ace of Bass", Olly Embleton
Subs
Lego-haired, emo-styled, German national coach impersonating, haribo-kid turned impressive battler and savvy footballer - Ben Francis.
Saggy-arsed, dubious-hamstringed, cheating lino, self-styled beer monster - It's Chris Allen
New bloke from Aardvarks who I don't yet feel confident enough to take the piss out of - Phil
Late appearances - Still drunk
The owner of a freshly waxed chest, pacey, physio-bothering, goes down quicker than a ten quid hooker, Analysts favourite - Jonny West
One armed, savage tackling, goal machine. The unbeatably nicknamed "Pooman".
The first half saw us holding our own quite nicely against a Flans side that looked distinctly out of sorts. Rumours had been circulating about bleep tests and weeks of fitness training at Odd down. On yesterday's performance they'd do better to take a football up with them and work on a bit of ball control and finishing next week.
Chances fell to both sides although it would be fair to say that Flans had more of the attack in the opening 45. Kempy was tested several times not least by a Rich Green speculative pass back/shot that saw the big man parrying the ball over his cross bar at the expense of a corner.
The Flans breakthrough came shortly before half time when a free kick was given for practically no reason at all. The impressively side-burned Merv despatched an excellent free kick over Olly in the wall and back down and under Kempy's crossbar.
Our most notable connection of the half was from Pooman and involved a spirited lunge at the Flans right back resulting in a twisted ankle and a departure from proceedings for the victim. Pooman had taken to the field like a 1940's footballer and had an immediate if not slightly drunken impact. Ball control was good despite his turning ability being reminiscent of a drunken reveller who has dropped his kebab. It wasn't long before the fiery midfielder's temper was lost however, when an innocuous looking slide tackle led to the recurrence of his Gough-induced injury. Retribution was forthcoming as detailed above. Ugly scenes reminiscent of the "Tanman" era.
Half time came and the team talk was positive if not slightly repetitive from Kempy. We apparently "could win this"
The second half was all about the Pig.
First of all there was a magnificent break down the wing from Chris Allen, a low cross found it's way to Haribo Ben whose shot rebounded to Jonny West. Jonny did his best to miss the goal and the ball found it's way to the still-seething Pooman. In glorious fashion he lashed it home and the Pig drew level.
More was to come, efforts from both Phil & Grant Allen saw the keeper worried. Jimmer volleying just over and Chris seeing a goal-bound effort rebound of a defender. A marauding run from Tom at centre back brought the crowd to it's feet and ended in a fine save from a one on one.
Midway through the half we got the breakthrough that had been threatened. Jimmer did what he had been doing all game and beat another defender before rounding the keeper and finding the net in marvellous fashion.
Two goals to one would have been a fair result but as is often the case we slipped up late on to allow the honours to be shared. A suspicion of offside says Kempy but the rasping shot (again from Merv) was a fine effort and had Kempy beaten down low.
An excellent team performance from the Pig and optimism is high for the forthcoming season.
Excellent debut's from Phil & Alan a well as Pooman, Jimmer and of course Theo and Haribo Ben.
The old faces from last year put in a vintage performance with Goughy gaining particular praise from Kempy for an excellent game. It should also be noted that my physio also mentioned Goughy this morning as a player that he struggled to play against.
A close run thing this week but the man of the match goes to Tom for an outstanding debut and almost wonderful goal. Composure at the back and a bag of tricks ensured a commanding back line and one into which the addition of Skip next week will be mouth-watering.
Sorry if I have missed anybody for praise but everybody played well and we don't want a love-in...
Next week sees us taking on Combe Down and the return of several more regulars, not least Skip and Bish.
Exciting times ahead as the new signings gel with the rest of the side.
Could this be the season that the Pig lays down a challenge for silverware ?
As usual we arrived at pitchside late and found our opponents and sporting friends (Pooman will disagree) Flan O Briens already changed and training. Refusing to be rushed into anything the Pig faithful went about the pre-match routine and launched into lighting up the cigarettes with enthusiasm.
As well as our usual band of brothers (from different mothers) we welcomed into the fold a host of new names. Probably best at this stage to run through the squad.
1) In goal and looking every ounce (insert your own weight joke) the keeper, it's Kempy.
2) Keeping the right back spot warm for Bish and giving a good account of himself as always. It's Gary Neville lookalike - Sam Maddock
3) At left back and a new addition from Aardvarks. It was the only Irishman in attendance (including all of the theme pub Flans o Brien's lot) Alan.
4) Temporarily housed at centre back and with murmurings of a run in attack being demanded, it's housewives favourite, Alex Gough.
5) Fresh to the team and playing with composure and awareness, it's centre-back colossus Tom Bergman (spelling ?)
6) At central midfield and every bit the senior statesman. It's every teenage girl's heartthrob Richy Green
7) On the right wing both in position and political views, it's the only man to have played for both sides Benjamin Haley
8) Safely back from honeymoon and controlling the midfield, it's Dr Silk
9) Up front, new signing, ex-Kingswood, Theo Walcott impersonator. Ant.
10) Fresh from missing goals on the Kingswood astro and in sparkling form. It's one half of the Allen brothers, Jimmer
11) Back roughing it with the Pig despite Saturday stardom in the big leagues. It's Pig favourite and the best thing to come from Sweden since "Ace of Bass", Olly Embleton
Subs
Lego-haired, emo-styled, German national coach impersonating, haribo-kid turned impressive battler and savvy footballer - Ben Francis.
Saggy-arsed, dubious-hamstringed, cheating lino, self-styled beer monster - It's Chris Allen
New bloke from Aardvarks who I don't yet feel confident enough to take the piss out of - Phil
Late appearances - Still drunk
The owner of a freshly waxed chest, pacey, physio-bothering, goes down quicker than a ten quid hooker, Analysts favourite - Jonny West
One armed, savage tackling, goal machine. The unbeatably nicknamed "Pooman".
The first half saw us holding our own quite nicely against a Flans side that looked distinctly out of sorts. Rumours had been circulating about bleep tests and weeks of fitness training at Odd down. On yesterday's performance they'd do better to take a football up with them and work on a bit of ball control and finishing next week.
Chances fell to both sides although it would be fair to say that Flans had more of the attack in the opening 45. Kempy was tested several times not least by a Rich Green speculative pass back/shot that saw the big man parrying the ball over his cross bar at the expense of a corner.
The Flans breakthrough came shortly before half time when a free kick was given for practically no reason at all. The impressively side-burned Merv despatched an excellent free kick over Olly in the wall and back down and under Kempy's crossbar.
Our most notable connection of the half was from Pooman and involved a spirited lunge at the Flans right back resulting in a twisted ankle and a departure from proceedings for the victim. Pooman had taken to the field like a 1940's footballer and had an immediate if not slightly drunken impact. Ball control was good despite his turning ability being reminiscent of a drunken reveller who has dropped his kebab. It wasn't long before the fiery midfielder's temper was lost however, when an innocuous looking slide tackle led to the recurrence of his Gough-induced injury. Retribution was forthcoming as detailed above. Ugly scenes reminiscent of the "Tanman" era.
Half time came and the team talk was positive if not slightly repetitive from Kempy. We apparently "could win this"
The second half was all about the Pig.
First of all there was a magnificent break down the wing from Chris Allen, a low cross found it's way to Haribo Ben whose shot rebounded to Jonny West. Jonny did his best to miss the goal and the ball found it's way to the still-seething Pooman. In glorious fashion he lashed it home and the Pig drew level.
More was to come, efforts from both Phil & Grant Allen saw the keeper worried. Jimmer volleying just over and Chris seeing a goal-bound effort rebound of a defender. A marauding run from Tom at centre back brought the crowd to it's feet and ended in a fine save from a one on one.
Midway through the half we got the breakthrough that had been threatened. Jimmer did what he had been doing all game and beat another defender before rounding the keeper and finding the net in marvellous fashion.
Two goals to one would have been a fair result but as is often the case we slipped up late on to allow the honours to be shared. A suspicion of offside says Kempy but the rasping shot (again from Merv) was a fine effort and had Kempy beaten down low.
An excellent team performance from the Pig and optimism is high for the forthcoming season.
Excellent debut's from Phil & Alan a well as Pooman, Jimmer and of course Theo and Haribo Ben.
The old faces from last year put in a vintage performance with Goughy gaining particular praise from Kempy for an excellent game. It should also be noted that my physio also mentioned Goughy this morning as a player that he struggled to play against.
A close run thing this week but the man of the match goes to Tom for an outstanding debut and almost wonderful goal. Composure at the back and a bag of tricks ensured a commanding back line and one into which the addition of Skip next week will be mouth-watering.
Sorry if I have missed anybody for praise but everybody played well and we don't want a love-in...
Next week sees us taking on Combe Down and the return of several more regulars, not least Skip and Bish.
Exciting times ahead as the new signings gel with the rest of the side.
Could this be the season that the Pig lays down a challenge for silverware ?
