Pig & Fiddle Football

Firstly, let me apologise for such a long delay between the game and the match report. No excuses other than I was busy. Kempy has already complained bitterly and threatened to withdraw Sausage, beans and chips privileges unless things are rectified next week.

( I had hoped for a goal from Ed so we could have had "Oddy Downs Odd Down"but you can't have everything !)

Odd Down SC Res 2 - PF Locomotive 6 

After a prolonged and snowy Christmas break, the first game back was never going to be easy and early indications were worrying as the combined birthdays of ex-barmaid Kate Treanor and current-drunkard Ben Hansell were joined by the official celebration of the birth of Ben & Rebecca’s lovely new daughter Isobelle.

Saturday night was one of those evenings when you knew everybody in the Pig and the party went long into the early hours at the hands of our local nightspot host Sean, in “Back to Mine”. Special mention must be made of “Trev” who along with Clive Haley gained legendary status in the head-wetting stakes as they out-drank the majority of Pig regulars and were seen to be among the last of the late night revellers to leave the dance floor. Last of all being Man city Graham, who did a passable imitation of Bez from the Happy Mondays, thinking  he was back at the Hacienda and “mad for it”. 

The Sunday morning wake up was a shocker as I managed to pick up my phone whilst half asleep and heard a still drunk Kempy talking to me. Anxious moments followed as for a second I feared the worst and thought he was actually in the room with me. A hasty check of the premises was conducted and peace of mind was returned following nothing of a sweating smoky nature being found.

Collecting Kempy and the large bag of balls from Megabite towers and having successfully worked out which of the two went in the boot and which in the passenger seat, we made our way to the Pig.

On arrival we were delighted to see our friends from Spain had all made it back safely and they had even managed to bring in another import. Nick will no doubt be joining his countrymen on the team, putting the English players to shame and taking an extraordinarily long time in the showers very soon.

Javi was notable by his absence and fingers are crossed that his sexually-induced back injury will be getting better in the coming weeks. Dr Sam has given the benefit of his wisdom and advised a 4 week playing absence as well as a strict embargo on further attempts to accomplish the lewd act that led to the injury. Unless you happen to be Ed Oddy you are never going to be able to get it in your own mouth without the removal of a rib and Javi will do well to remember this. Carlos was also absent again giving rise to rumours of romantic involvement,

The team lined up as follows….

1)    Daniel

2)    Sam

3)    Tully

4)    Borja

5)    Olly

6)    Danny

7)    Albert

8)    Ant

9)    Goughy

10) Jonny

11) Jacky

12) The Cockernee

13) Ed Oddy

14) Lucas

Italian Ice-cream peddler Jacky “luigi” Liang was playing in his last game for the boys in Blue before returning home to his native China. A fact I lived to regret later in the day as I foolishly presented him with my pigfootball coat and had to walk home in the cold.

The touchline numbers were high (in more than one sense) with me and Kempy joined by Rich Green, Russell Burge, Sean Von Stauffenberg and both Kate and David Treanor. The latter of whom was enjoying his first taste of Pigfootball on a rare excursion from the capital and wearing an official Joe Scott disguise.

Injured captain Tanman was also in attendance and was joined by the Italian side of the Cockney/Italian household and their lovely daughter. Finally an unknown camera-wielding female was noted and thoughts turned to a reporter from one of the big national papers. Tanman took it upon himself to become better acquainted with the mystery stranger but was to be thwarted as she remained tight-lipped. I don’t know who she was but clearly she wasn’t stupid,

We kicked off and took the game to Odd Down from the first minute. The opposition were an “experienced” side and had clearly Christmassed well with pace and stamina not looking like they were going to be buzz words.

The opening goal came after a period of sustained pressure with Danny Bond advancing his personal tally with a rifled low-drive. The lead was not to last long however as a defensive lapse saw Odd Down drill in a goal from about 2 yards out. What the goal lacked in class it was made up for in celebration as the player ran to the touchlines to ensure his young son had seen the goal. I hope he had got bored and gone home long before the second half !

At 1 goal each the Pig were playing by far the better football and this was thanks in no small part to our midfielder maestro Albert. He was playing at a level usually only frequented by Olly Embleton and with the pair of them on the pitch it was enough to bring a tear to Kempy’s already misty eyes.

Jonny West turned on the style after a delightful period of link-up play with Albert. His cracking shot found the roof of the net and handed us back the advantage at 2-1.

Danny Bond was to be withdrawn shortly before half time with a tight hamstring causing him discomfort. Ed Oddy was despatched to the wing in replacement. A further blow to the team was conceded as Borja collapsed to the ground in the middle of the park like somebody had shot him. A badly turned ankle was blamed and Jonny West and Albert did a marvellous job of giving the injured defender a basket ride from the pitch. Joe Scott was thrown into action.

I’m fairly sure we went into the half time break at 3-1 up and I’m almost certain that it was Albert that scored the 3^rd goal. Drinking heavily and getting up early is not conducive to any sort of short term memory though.

Half time saw the re-introduction of bullshit bingo and I was able to give Rus a free lesson with Kempy trotting out the inevitable “keep doing what we’re doing” My first win of the 2010 campaign !

Aside from this, Kempy chose to re-shuffle his pack and move to 4 at the back to ensure stability.

As the second half got underway it became clear that Odd Down were struggling against out flair players. Time after time the touchline supporters were left screaming at the ref as the two “fat clowns at the back” (as somebody called them) began scything down Jonny, Albert and Jacky.

Undeterred by this we were to rattle in a further 3 goals in the second half with Jonny West completing his hat trick in some style. The gifted striker will be quick to mention Albert in his thank-you speech though as the 3^rd goal in particular saw our Spanish wonderkid completely wrong-foot young Lawrence at left back no fewer than 6 times before delivering a pinpoint cross onto Jonny’s waiting head. The 6^th goal was scored by our favourite cockernee midfielder, lashing home a close range effort that will give the player some welcome consolation following a heavy defeat in the nutmeg stakes during a personal battle with the Odd Down number 7. This battle had been the source of great amusement for the touchline faithful throughout the second half with the Odd Down player endearing himself to the Pig crowd by calling Tanman an ugly f*cker, Apparently stating the obvious is another weapon in his armoury to match his keen eye for a nutmeg.

At 6-1 the game descended into farce with Tully playing as our furthest attacker in an effort to secure a goal on an ill-advised bet from the previous evening. Needless to say that the no-nonsense defender did just as marvellous a job at protecting the opposition goal as he does his own. I believe the bet was £20 for a headed goal and £200 for one off the boot. Please make the cheque payable to pigfootball.com Tully and we can treat the lads to the branded training tops sooner than I had imagined.

Given that our centre back was AWOL up the pitch it was maybe inevitable that a consolation goal might be conceded. Odd Down notched up a second but the game was already over. The final scenes were relatively ugly as a last minute flare-up resulted in the ref blowing up a few minutes early to avoid the hassle of getting the cards out.

Back in the Pig and a good turnout saw off the Sausage Beans and Chips in record time.

Man of the match this week is Albert for a truly magnificent display at terrorising the opposition defence. Jonny West should clearly get a mention for a good hat trick performance and Olly Embelton played tremendously well even with the weirdest shot/pass/miscue that I have ever seen.

Next week sees us take up our league challenge once again as we play host to our friends from Bath Arsenal. The Pro-evo challenge is all set to take place after the game as we welcome our opposition back to the Pig to share in our fine quality pork products. Fingers crossed for a sound beating being administered to the boys in Pink both on the slopes of Lansdown and the stadiums of pro-Evo.

See Lucas to apply for a position on the team but be warned that the standard is extremely high.

See you Thursday.

Like a flock of migrating Swallows, the Spaniards departed Bath in their droves this week in search of warmer climes for the Winter months. This, coupled with the temperature plummeting to -5 overnight on Saturday, left Kempy with selection difficulties ahead of our last league game of the 2009 campaign.

 PF Locomotive 2 - Bath City Youth 2

With the promise of a 7 day jolly to Hong Kong only a few days away, Admin decided to kick start the Christmas celebrating a few days earlier than usual with a Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday session that would leave heads sore and Kempy eagerly looking to the weekend to see which of his footballing stars would survive the ordeal and make it to Sunday in tact.

Suffice to say the tequila slamming chicas pestering Javi was on hand to lead the Spanish contingent past the tricky hurdle of exam revision and safely to their favorite watering hole. Not one to discourage the team building benefits of alcohol on the Pig football team, even the manager looked on with trepidation as details of Saturday's double header began to unfold... an all day Spanish BBQ swiftly followed by Skip's birthday celebrations. Luckily the manager's fears were quickly forgotten as Admin handed across a pint of gay in the hope of avoiding another excruciating chat about football.  

Having had no luck with the Spanish Chicas and having recently been kicked of the dating mailblast by Javi in favour of italian ' cock-er-nee" Joe, Thursday saw Admin depart for Hong Kong in search of his Filipino bride and only 13 players turn up for training. Borja was the sole surviving Spaniard and he and Lucas were sadly outclassed as the remaining 11 English lads ran riot. Upon returning to the Pub and with slight despondency Kempy turned to Captain Clubfoot to help galvanise the players who had turned up and ensure a respectable turn out for Sunday. 

Needless to say, 6pm rolled around Saturday night and Kempy was left looking at an absentee list longer than one of Admin's Yule Logs. 7 confirmed, 7 unable to play, no coherent words from the Spanish and the remaining squad members were all conspicuous in their silence. Fortunately Barks, Javi, Carlos, Albert and Borja all confirmed with Dani as a probable, before the manager was forced to rely on Lil Chris turning up, boots and all ready to play Sunday morning. With the squad confirmed, Kempy turned his attention towards the pitiful Utd performance against Villa and the slippery slope that was to lead to a 5am finish. 

Sunday morning was the anticipated nightmare. Thirteen had rapidly become 10 overnight with the Dani Carlos and Javi all dropping out. Dani was lost to a badly swollen finger, Carlos to his inability to handle the previous night's alcohol and Javi supposedly to the same causes. A quick look to the faces on Sean and Clubfoot confirmed Kempy's fears that neither were particularly partial to breaching the void left by the 3 absentees and a further look to the faces of Olly and Bond confirmed that any thoughts the manager may have had of playing were also quickly dispelled. Luckily when times seem most down you can rely on one person to rally the troops and so Sean f**ked off to Starbucks in search of a much needed coffee whilst Embo and Bond were dispatched to Landsdown with the kit. 

Having tried a number of seasoned campaigners only to find all phones had conveniently been switch off, the Manager made one last attempt to drag Javi to football. A quick 2 minute lecture about alcohol not being an excuse was promptly followed by a see you in five and a dialling tone. Eleven were finally confirmed and Javi had learnt an important lesson regarding Sunday football, never leave your phone on and never answer if Kempy comes a callin'

The team was: Barks, Gough, Borja, Ant, Jacky, Olly, Albert, Javi, Ed, Bond and Jonny. 

The first half saw the Pig take  control early on in the game with Albert and Olly bossing the midfield and promptly being kicked by a number of the Bath City Youth players. Apparently they do not take too well to being continually embarrassed on the pitch. Unlike the manager's jaw the previous night, the match was not swinging end to end and good chances came and went for the Pig side. However as seems to be the case at the moment, a rare chance for the opposition lead to the first goal of the game. A break down the left hand side meant we were exposed in the centre and the man over slotted home for a 1-0 lead for Bath City. 

Half time saw the touchline faithful left disappointed as no half time bullshit bingo was forthcoming as the manager painstakingly pondered his options from the bench in the 2nd half. With that completed before even the first cigarette was lit up, the manager tweaked the continental 3-5-2 system to the good old 4-4-bloody 2 system for the 2nd half. An early 2nd half goal by Jonny West was allowed to stand despite a dubious offside flag from the opposition. However upon discussion with the ref, the lino was overruled and the goal stood. A few minutes later Bond saw a 45 yard lob for just inside the oppositions half sale agonisingly over the crossbar with the keeper stranded. Further chances fell to Albert and Ed in particular but nothing was taken and it was not until Jonny saw his goalbound effort partially saved by the keeper before the recovering centre half hoofed the ball into the roof of his net did the Pig finally take a deserved lead. The dubious goal panel is still reviewing the evidence as questions are being asked as to whether the ball crossed the line before the defender's ill-fated clearance attempt.

The Pig continued to batter the opposition goal like Mrs Woods to Tiger's SUV but to no avail and with 10 mins remaining BCY, like Tiger, managed to score a 2nd time away from home as the ball was thundered home on the volley from  a corner. All that was left was to see the opposition keeper produce a worldy in the final minute to deny what would have been a well earned victory. 

Man of the match this week was a close run decision between the fleet footed Albert and the all action Embleton. The manager's choice goes to Embo who commanded and organised the defense from both his position in centre mid and later centre back whilst encouraging and driving the team forward in his role as Captain. Barks also had a solid game in goal taking to the freezing conditions with no sign of fuss. Javi too deserves high praise as the young Spaniard explained that it was a bout of food poisoning that had almost caused him to miss the game and not an intolerance to cold sunday mornings and hangovers. Doubts though are still lingering that this story is a simple ruse to cover up the previous night's antics, especially given the far fetched tale that Javi turned down one of his Chicas only to opt for an early night. 

There were many possible champagne moments in the match, Bondy’s lob, numerous nutmegs and flowing footy. But the winner this week goes to Borja for a delightful Michael Jordan style slam dunk on the half way line. With the ball floating dangerously into the space behind the Pig defense the big Spaniard leapt up and happily palmed the ball away from above his head denying the breaking strikers a clear run at goal. Unsporting behavior – cost £8, laughing at the audacity and the opposition complaining – priceless.  

The sausage beans and chips were a little late due to some unwanted egg chasers in the Pig getting priority over the Pig’s own heralded football players and as a result arrived after I had left. I will therefore pay a small tribute to the man in the middle on Sunday who proved the doubters wrong and showed that there are still some refs who can make it out of the centre circle and come to decisions on their own without taking advice from the player shouting the loudest. Chas O’Neill, we salute you!! 

Next week sees the Pig take on J C Sports at Landsdown. With the Spanish contingent flying South for the Winter to warmer climbs, the manager is hoping for an improved turn out on Thursday and Sunday and a good performance to end 2009 on a high.     

PF Locomotive 0 – Belvedere 0

Belvedere in Italian literally translates as “beautiful view”. No I’ve not been taking lessons from our resident Italian/cock-er-nee Joe Scott, just had ample time to check on google whilst not watching any goals being scored this morning. Not that the game could be described as dull….

We arrived at the Pig typically late and settled down for a long wait as both Javi and Goughy were yet to arrive. It wasn’t long before the smell of alcohol wafted around the corner and a red-eyed and slightly fuzzy Javi appeared. Having promised me that he would not be drinking after 10pm on Saturday night, Javi had seen fit to try and bribe club officials by sending late night texts encouraging me to join him in his drinking exploits and offering me my pick of the Spanish chicas that he was with. Unfortunately the struggling-linguist was not in the company of his Belarusian  translator friend and so his message was sent not to me but to a fast asleep Joe Scott. Doubtless the cockney had his work cut out explaining the faux pas to a sleeping girlfriend. Needless to say Javi has been reprimanded about his behaviour and assurances have been given that he will be correcting his mobile phone records to ensure that future messages reach me.

Goughy on the other hand, was not so fast to appear. The Dover-born defensive midfielder was nowhere to be seen as kick off approached and it was not until 10.40am that I picked up the bearded barman from outside the gay bar on Lansdown hill. Unlike the rather different reception that Alex would have got from that same pick-up spot just 12 hours earlier, he was to be met with the bad news that he would be starting from the bench.

Arriving at Lansdown we were to spot none other than gardening gigolo Ed Oddy pulling in to the parking spaces.

We were directed to the pitches on the far side of Lansdown for the second week running and on arrival the team had already kicked off in both senses of the word.

The team lined up as follows….

1)    Daniel

2)    Sam

3)    Goughy

4)    Tully

5)    Olly

6)    Ant

7)    Javi

8)    Albert

9)    Lucas

10) Danny

11) Jonny

12) Ryan

13) Goughy

14) Ed

The touchline support was comprised of myself, Kempy, Respect-Rus, Sean, Benji, Bex and the as yet unknown Haley. Fingers crossed that when the new arrival is born she has her mother’s good looks if she is a girl and if a boy he is not blessed with his father’s shooting boots or atrocious wind.

On arrival I was to be welcomed to the sidelines just in time to witness a delightful outburst from one of the sidelined Belvedere players who, despite carrying his young daughter in his arms, treated us all to some choice swear words before heading back to his car. Evidently World’s Best Dad had heard enough from Respect-Rus.

Despite having played barely 10 minutes it appeared as if the Belvedere strikers had met Tully and learned a couple of things about his tough-tackling demeanour. The ref had also been introduced and seen fit to award Tully with a yellow card.

In terms of chances and opportunities we were not to witness a huge amount in all honesty. The ref struggled a little due to his reluctance to leave the centre-circle and so was forced to operate the whistle under the “who shouted loudest” rule.

Ryan showed a lot of running and promise down the right flank but thankfully didn’t decide to embarrass himself with one of his trademark corner-flag bothering shots. Likewise Albert was making a nuisance of himself and nearly snuck a goal for us with a floated effort that forced the veteran keeper into a decent save.

The moment of the game perhaps, came as PF Locomotive struck the Belvedere post from range, the keeper then released his own attack and the PF crossbar was rattled before Daniel pulled off a great save from a follow-up header.

As half time approached, the assembled crowd began to prepare for bullshit-bingo with “the wind”, “keep doing what we’re doing” and “keep our heads” being amongst the favourites. Shock scenes were to greet us however as Kempy dispensed with the usual chat, opting instead, to take one or two players quietly aside for a word. All bets were off.

Following a chat from Kempy, Tully was withdrawn from action and was replaced by Goughy for the second half.

We recommenced the game and the majority of the play was to come from the Pig. Pushing in search of a winner we were very unlucky with Albert dragging a shot just wide. The chance of a penalty went begging as a blatant handball from the Belvedere defender was ignored by the ref. Another handball was spotted though as Bond despatched a free-kick into the leaping defender. The ref happily dispensing a yellow card.

In a rare Belvedere foray into our half, Danny Bond was lucky to avoid the book himself as he saw fit to pull down the shorts of the Belvedere player “Marion”. Possibly the name confused him? Either way, the ref saw the funny side despite some players claiming sexual assault.

The game came to an end with Joe Scott having a very decent chance saved and the Pig eventually squandering a free kick with the last kick of the game.

A 0-0 draw for the first time that anybody can remember.

Joe Scott drew the short straw and was the driver required to wait whilst the Spaniards took their usual 25 minutes in the showers.

Man of the match this week goes to Daniel as the Spanish goalkeeper had an outstanding game in nets. See Kempy for your free pint on Thursday.

Back at the Pig and slightly fewer returnees than usual saw a surplus of Sausages and chips for a change. The welcome return of the scoop was noted with delight. The lovely Emily and Jenny Brown were in fine spirits with the former doing an excellent Lime & Soda. Leon was on hand with a friendly smile despite the nagging concern that he could quite easily rip your arm off and beat you with the wet end if he so desired.

Training on Thursday and we take on Bath City Youth next Sunday. I’m off on a far-east scouting mission next week and so will not be back until our final game before Christmas on the 20^th December. 

- - - - -

Conditions for football were absolutely horrendous on Sunday and it was indeed touch and go whether or not the game would go ahead. Our friends from Bath Arsenal surprised us all by turning up. Who would have thought that a team that play in pink would show such resilience to bad weather.

Early talk of resting his star players turned out to be mere mind games from Bath Arsenal Dan as the majority of his first team faces appeared to be on display. Of particular note was their number eight who I believe may be called Weymouth. Much like his seaside-town namesake the young midfielder had a lot of front and managed to familiarise himself with the pig players early on. Kempy was no doubt relieved that one or two of our “less-compromising” players were not in attendance today as I fear there may have been a red card or two. In addition to several scuffles in the early exchanges we were also to be treated to a glimpse of Rus’ short fuse as the Arsenal’s big striker decided that he didn’t like an offside call. No sooner had the big bugger called Rus several choice words than the fiery (banned) keeper was marching on to the pitch and brandishing his flag. Our young refereeing friend was quick to cool things down fortunately and issued a yellow card to the big angry man and enforced a substitution at lino that gave Kempy the responsibility.

Our line up was:

1)    Daniel

2)    Sam

3)    Diskin

4)    Ant

5)    Olly

6)    Ed

7)    Javi

8)    Danny

9)    Lucas

10) Albert

11) Jonny

12) Jacky

13) Ryan

Our 14^th player was Goughy but he has been officially placed “in disgrace” for non-attendance due to having to polish a banister. (if ever a euphemism was suspected…)

The touchline support was full of familiar faces with Rich Green continuing his slow return from that back injury. Local nightspot magnate, and coffee aficionado, Sean Von Stauffenberg made an unusual morning appearance.  Worldwide hotel and restaurant critic and Watford’s answer to Michael Winner; Hannah Kemp looked thoroughly shocked to be standing in such horrendous conditions. And the supporters were complete with stat-recording slacker Meg (not sure of surname but we’ll say “West” for the sake of argument) taking up her place on the sidelines.

The pig were reasonably dominant in the opening exchanges due mainly to the howling wind that kept BAS penned into their own half. Several half-chances had the supporters excited despite the horizontal rain.

Our goal game from one of the ref’s trademark penalty decisions. Much like the two against us at Bathford, there was not a great deal wrong with the challenge. Still, Jonny West stepped up and took a good penalty to leave the touchline support wondering if we could capitalize on this good fortune.

As it turned out we were unable to take full advantage of the wind and came to half time with just the slim, one goal lead. During the course of the half Danny had regrettably picked up another yellow card and the ref had been forced to insist that both teams return to their respective halves momentarily in an attempt to subdue some ugly scenes.

Due to the excitement of the half, Rus and I were ill-prepared for bullshit-bingo and were forced into some rushed decisions as the whistle blew. My predictions of “keep our heads” and “remember the wind” both came true but it almost seemed too easy.

The second half kicked off and BAS put a great deal of pressure on the Pig defence as the driving wind turned against us. The inevitable Arsenal equaliser came as a long-range free kick was followed in and the rebound poked home.

Soon afterwards the supporters were left disappointed as a second goal was conceded and the BAS number 16 saw fit to issue us with a “you’ve all gone quiet” style goal celebration towards the sidelines. Insult turned to irony later in the game however as the smug goal scorer was left lying in our goal area. Rus was despatched with the water and I can only imagine how the player must have felt to groggily open his eyes and have a concerned Rus peering into them. Instant karma was completed as an ugly cricket-ball sized lump appeared on his forehead leaving him considerably quieter.

At this stage the subs were introduced with Jacky replacing Lucas and Ryan coming on for Ed Oddy.

The Pig dug deep and were able to reply with a brilliant goal from Ant Stone’s left foot. A wonderful goal from such an unlikely source.

A good shout for “moment of the game” comes from young Spaniard Albert. No I’m not talking about his close control and dazzling footwork, more the fact that he finally lost his temper with the ref and contrived to trip him up accidentally. The ref went down like the proverbial sack of sh*t and failed to see the funny side. Not so for the supporters who gave the young chap a good deal of abuse.

The game remained at two-all for some time and the gathered support were beginning to feel that a draw against one of the top teams would be acceptable. Sadly things were not to be so sweet and BAS scored a third goal with a good finish from the right of the goal.

In the closing stages the Pig players redoubled their efforts for an equaliser and threw everything at BAS. Some last ditch defending and desperate clearances ensured our efforts were thwarted and things were sealed for BAS as they scored a breakaway 4^th goal right on the final whistle.

Handing over five pounds to the Bath Arsenal manager is not getting any easier but note must be made of him being a gracious winner. (something that their number 16 could take note of!)

Back in the Pig and the team huddled around the new fire which is proving to be about as effective as Kempy’s running spikes. It’s actually colder with the draft from the chimney than any warmth that the asthmatic fan heater can blow out. Misty-eyed memories of the old real fire that used to prove such a comfort.

The Sausage beans and chips were once again of a good standard, with the chips being particularly good this week. Last weeks scoop has gone missing again so once again we were treated to several kinds of urine contamination as the lads grabbed handfuls of chips.

This week’s man of the match goes to Ant Stone for a good display of running on the left flank. Not only did the youngster score a very decent goal but he was also a constant threat and covered well in defence. Additionally I may have drunkenly told his boss that he was a shocking finisher on Saturday night so obviously he had a point to prove. Ant was not around to hear of the choice this afternoon as he was forced to return home post game for a poo. Apparently he does not like to use unfamiliar facilities.

Next week sees us take on our nearest pub rivals Belvedere and gives us a chance to get one over on them and avenge the shameful poaching of Portuguese turncoat Miguel last season.

 Hinton Charterhouse 1 - PF Locomotive 7

Following the jubilation of last week the Pig faithful were wary of a fall from grace this week with the team making the trip out into the countryside to take on Hinton Charterhouse.

The fitness and conditioning guru decided that Thursday’s training should be light on drills, slightly heavier on match simulation and then very heavy on the intake of fluids back in the Pig afterwards. Subsequently we skipped the drills, played for an hour and a half in the usual England Vs Spain simulation (the score isn’t important) and ended up drinking until closing in the pig and then taking on our Spanish cousins in late night poker at Kempy’s (the nationality of the winner is also unimportant)

Drunken scenes in which football, poker and Spain were the winners.

Friday is traditionally the players “night off” and with Embleton playing at “Back to Mine” the players were encouraged to enjoy some time away from football and enjoy a half of lager in the popular Bath nightspot. There was a good showing from the team with the usual faces joined by the heavy-drinking Spaniards, with the latter group proceeding to “tear up the dance floor”.

Javi in particular was showing a good deal of energy in covering the dancefloor and chasing lost causes before attempting to get himself on the scoresheet with some long range leering and speculative sex-pestery.

As is proving to be normality, the night ended at chateau-Kempy/Diskin in the early hours.

Following a necessarily quiet Saturday night we arrived at the Pig early on Sunday morning in good health and with the rain falling steadily.

The cars were loaded up and we made our way over to Hinton without any incident despite Kempy declining the offer of the Sat Nav.

The team assembled in the changing rooms as follows:

1)    Daniel

2)    Borja

3)    Diskin

4)    Sam

5)    Goughy

6)    Ed

7)    Javi

8)    Joe Scott

9)    Danny Bond

10) Lucas

11) Jonny West

12) Jacky

13) Carlos

14) Ryan

The touchline played host to Ben Hansell (in sensible shoes for a change), Russell Burge (goalkeeping coach), Olly Embleton (our second captained to be sidelined by injury) and naturally Kempy was playing in his best position with the lino flag clutched in his great paw.

We kicked-off the game with rain driving hard on to our backs and with an extraordinary menagerie of animals gathered behind the opposition goal and giving further credence to an extraordinary rumour that one of our players had heard regarding one of the Hinton players…. We’ll not dwell on it but suffice to say that the player concerned was a little sheepish following some bullish allegations that the Pig found a little fowl but are too chicken to talk about on the internet.

At about 20 minutes in, the Pig were to gain reward for some good pressure as regular goalscorer and home-wrecking handyman Ed Oddy scuffed home a shot after some good build up.

Galvanised by the lead, the Pig began to play some very special football with the entire team putting on a good display. Pressure and application led to a ball being half-cleared to Danny Bond who chanced his luck from well outside the box. Once again the channel-islander delivered a vicious, swerving shot that had the keeper out-foxed and back-peddling before conceding that the ball was over him and in the net.

At two nil we were looking comfortable and Hinton were not offering a great deal of threat at the other end.

Midway through the half, Jonny West broke away from a grappling defender and was savagely felled by a late challenge from another. After a brief exchange of views, the ball was placed for the free kick by Danny Bond and his boot was cleaned in his traditional manner. A trademark horizontal missile was launched which rocketed goalwards and was tipped onto the crossbar by the keeper. The supporters were swift to applaud another magnificent effort whilst the player was left to imagine what might have been on the goal scoring leaderboard.

Joe Scott must have particular note for a “goal-saving” tackle that nobody saw but that the cockney was “chim-chimeneying” about for the duration of the half time period.

Half time came and Russell was to be the winner of “bullshit bingo” by successfully predicting that Kempy would be mentioning the wind as the first of his traditional

clichés. Commiserations to Ryan who just missed out on the £1 prize pot by taking second place.

Consistency was to be the buzzword and to keep doing what we were doing.

We kicked off the second half and for about 10 minutes the game descended slightly into mediocrity. During this period Kempy was giving instructions to ready the substitutes and with both Ryan and Jacky primed to come on, Hinton pulled a goal back to make it 2-1.

Ed was withdrawn for Ryan and Jacky filled the cockney shoes of Joe Scott up front as the Pig seemed lifted by conceding the goal and pushed for a further score.

The goal came in the form of Jonny West and in honesty I can’t remember how it occurred. I believe that Jonny gave an assured finished after some goal-mouth tomfoolery from Ryan.

At 3-1 Daniel was called into action in our goal and made a key save against two attackers to keep our supremacy.

At this stage Lucas was forced to withdraw as the ref noticed his exposed ring (no not like Rus last year) and as it couldn’t be removed Lucas had to be. Carlos (yes another Spaniard from Javi’s phonebook) slotted in nicely in midfield.

As Hinton switched their keeper due to an upper body injury, (hopefully not the onset of foot and mouth) the final half hour gave us four more goals. Jonny completed his hat trick with a further brace and Jacky also helped himself to two goals, one of which was an audacious lob over the keeper on the edge of the box before rounding him and walking it into the open net.

Ryan made some excellent running, and would have terrorised the Hinton keeper had he managed to hit anything goalwards. Evidently he plays far too much football with Ant Stone to make him a natural finisher.

The game finished at 7-1 and the Pig faithful were left in absolute delirium having witnessed 15 goals scored by the Pig in 2 weeks. Better than that though we are showing strength in depth and class throughout the squad remembering that Albert, Tully, Ant and Olly were all absent this week.

Daniel had another commanding game in goal today. Borja settled straight into the back line and was absolute class. Diskin was imperious in defense and one particular left footed tackle that he ran the length of the pitch to make was outstanding (that make up for the noise on Saturday Kris?) Sam is back to his best, bossing the backline like a young (ish) Chris Royds and conceding nothing at the back.

In midfield Javi gave another awesome performance, full of running and playing intelligent football. So very nearly the man of the match.

Oddy was his usual potent best and scored the vital first goal. Lucas is looking like returning to his best and regaining a little fitness however he will need to have his ring taped up in future if he wants to play a full game. Danny Bond was an example today and was at the heart of everything. A class display with the set-piece the icing on the cake. Another close second for man of the match.

Returning up front and  a welcome sight was top-goalscorer Jonny West. Another hat trick today, and a constant threat to the opposition. Superb.

Jacky showed the manager what he can do with 2 good goals today. Kempy will have a headache next week.

Ryan showed us all what he can do in terms of energy and distribution and what he can’t do in front of goal. A great performance nonetheless, shame he didn’t score.

Carlos settled straight in to the side and added further compliment to our Spanish backbone. Winning the fans vote on the “Spaniard with the best English” award.

Saving the best until last this week and undoubtedly the best performance amongst an embarrassment of riches was man of the match Alex Gough. A superb display of tackling, distribution and generally getting kicked all around the park, Goughy gave us an edge in the middle and linked up well with Javi. See Kempy for your free pint on Thursday.

Back at the pig, and the Sausage, beans and chips were again done perfectly. If the Spanish backbone give the football team consistency then Matty G and that other guy in the kitchen give us the same in the food department.  The welcome addition of a “scoop” for the chips was noted meaning that portion control on the chips was easier to enforce and several kinds of urine were not passed around the team as players use their hands to grab the chips. A win-win situation.

Thursday training will see a continuation of England Vs Spain and we really need to be looking to notch up a win sometime soon. Javi in particular is becoming particularly arrogant about their successes. Gav where are you when we need you ?

Next week sees us take on our internet-friends Bath Arsenal Sunday in the away fixture at Lansdown. I have already made contact and secured the usual £5 bet on the game with the BAS manager. Don’t let me down please.

On the subject of Bath Arsenal we have also agreed that on our home fixture (as yet unknown) both teams will return to the Pig for Sausage, beans and chips before settling in for the Xbox Pro-Evo Soccer challenge that Fran Haley has so kindly agreed to provide the prize for. I think we’ll need 5 PF players to take on the BAS five and already Lucas and Bond are known to be local experts and so are in the team. 3 more players needed. Rumours of an approach for local nightclub owner and pro-evo legend Sean on a bosman-free transfer are already rife.

I will let you know the date as soon as the fixtures are announced.

See you Thursday.

PF Locomotive 8 – Tramways 2           

Back to Lansdown this week and nervous eyes had been turned skywards from Wednesday onwards as the West country saw high winds and rain settling in.

Indeed one goal-footed striker decided that the game would definitely be called off and so took the opportunity to treat his girlfriend to a weekend in London and a West end show. Ed Oddy was quick to point out that this was gay and found agreement amongst several of the first team regulars. Apparently there is nothing more homosexual than a man taking his girlfriend away for the weekend.

Sunday morning was a stark contrast to the previous day’s weather as the unbroken sunshine warmed the hearts and returned smiles to the faces of Albert, Javi, Daniel and Borja. Not since they found out that Waitrose sells Cerveza and cured pork sausage have the Spanish quartet been happier.

A strong squad had been assembled by Kempy with his advance preparation extending back as far as a text late on Saturday night….

1)    Daniel (Spanish)

2)    Tully (Cock-er-nee)

3)    Diskin (local)

4)    Goughy (unknown)

5)    Ant (local)

6)    Albert (Spanish)

7)    Javi (Spanish)

8)    Ed (local)

9)    Embleton (Swedish)

10)  Bond (channel islands)

11)  Damian (Coronation Street)

12) Jacky (The real Italian republic of China)

13) Lucas (Argentinean)

14) Joe Scott (Sicilian/Cock-er-nee)

Such a cohesive squad with such a variety of languages and accents is rarely seen in local football and almost certainly never on the slopes of Lansdown where for most people cultural diversity is whether they buy their after-pub chips from the Indian or the Chinese.

Trying to remember Tramways from last year was proving difficult and on checking the records it seemed that we had won and lost a game against them but they had both been close affairs.

Whilst getting changed prior to the game, the absence of our captain and star player Olly Embleton was noted with concern. His arrival in the room was heralded moments later by a toilet flush from the cubicle and a smell like that of week-old roadkill tinged with the eye-stinging unpleasantness of burning tyres. His subsequent instruction to “give it five minutes” was about as necessary as telling a Liverpool footballer to lock and alarm his mock-tudor mansion when next playing in Europe.

Suffice to say the changing room cleared in record time and the team assembled pitchside, gasping great lungfuls of Lansdown air as if they had barely escaped asphyxiation. An unpleasant flashback indeed to the days of Rich Green’s backside atrocities.

The game kicked off and the Pig were to show early ambition with some penetrative attacking play, asking questions straight away. The opening goal fell to Olly Embleton who struck a delightful effort from outside of the box. Swerving viciously, it found the net above the flailing keeper.

Further euphoria was to quickly follow when gardening-lothario, housewives-favourite, Ed Oddy, was to bang one in from close range following a fine save from the Tramways keeper.

At two nil up the touchline faithful were nervously excited and solace was sought and found in Goughy’s rolling tobacco to guide us through unfamiliar waters.

Things were to improve still further when young Ant Stone threatened to do something that he has been meticulously avoiding all season and actually lashed a shot goalwards. The Tramways keeper had no chance and we were 3 up and delighted on the touchline.

At this point Olly Embleton began to give the first signs that he was not going to last the whole game. Looking to the subs bench and unleashing a volley of swear words and aggression, the big-tackling and usually pleasant natured Swede left us in no doubt that his substitution must be sooner rather then later. Leaving us with the words “I can’t run” the talented captain embarked on a delightful run, chipping the ball over the onrushing defensive line, beating the keeper in a foot race and squaring a lovely pass to Danny Bond who duly scored to leave us 4 goals up.

Before the ball had been returned to the centre circle, Olly continued his verbal assault on the bench and so the substitution of Lucas was hastily arranged.

Tramways did not pose a great deal of threat to the Pig goal but on a rare attack Spanish goalkeeping sensation Daniel, proved his worth with a tremendous claim at the feet of an onrushing striker taking ball and a strong clash to the face from the Tramways player. Thoughts turned to the inevitable volley of punches to the striker’s head before I remembered that Rus was still serving his ban from the last time that happened and so was standing on the touchline next to me.

A fifth goal came our way when a pinpoint cross found Ed Oddy who fluffed his effort and played a ball back across the box to Lucas, who also fluffed his shot. Such was the time on the ball though, that Lucas was able to beat a couple of defenders and slot a close range effort under the keeper to leave the assembled fans holding each other.

Half time came and the Pig team where unusually tense with a few raised voices and the makings of in-fighting. Given that we were 5 goals up and dominating a game like I have never seen before, the unease must be put down to finding ourselves in an unusual winning position.

The second half kicked off and we were quickly to earn a free kick thanks to Damian’s endeavour. The ball was placed slightly to the right of the goal and about 25-30 yards out. Danny Bond struck the ball with venom and the ball rocketed, rising all the way, into the roof of the net via the underside of the crossbar. A truly magnificent goal that had players from other games coming over to comment on the quality of the strike.

Following these euphoric scenes the Pig were to endure something of a torrid twenty minutes as we lost a bit of shape and Tramways were to claw back a couple of goals. During this period we substituted playmaking Spaniard Javi and brought on Jacky before finding ourselves forced into another substitution as Goughy withdrew through injury and Joe Scott was brought on to mix things up in the middle with a little of his cock-er-nee ‘gertcha”.

Maybe it was the changes taking time to settle or simply a bit of a slow start to the second half but thankfully our first half hat-full left us able to endure such worry without too much concern (although Goughy’s tobacco was once again called into action)

As the clock ticked into the final stages, Albert was to cap a truly outstanding display with a brilliantly taken goal. Rampaging into the penalty area, the quick-footed Spaniard chose to ghost through 2 hapless defenders before beating the keeper with a lovely finish. A different kettle as Kempy would say….

The final goal and icing on the Spanish-inspired, English baked cake was to be scored by Ed Oddy. Naturally Albert did all the brilliant build up work before squaring the ball for the well-endowed, marriage-wrecking handyman to slot home.

The final whistle was met with delight and players and supporters alike were keen to stay pitchside and talk each other through the game.

Back at the Pig & Fiddle and staff and management could scarcely believe their ears as the scoreline was delivered. One manager who will remain nameless but whose name sounds a bit like Rich Green’s favourite pastime (Tan Daily) was heard to question the physical and mental ability of the opposition.

The Sausage, beans and chips were once again served in record time and were cooked to a turn. However, and for the second week running, Bond and Tully were to miss out on the food due to a bookies visit and to a worrying lack of provisions. Diskin has been voted as the man that must either appeal to Matty G for an increase in chips or else face a reduction in his own oversized beans allocation.

Man of the match this week goes to Albert for a brilliant display. Quick feet and some tremendous distribution gave us an attacking platform to savour. See Kempy for the free pint on Thursday.

Training is back with a vengeance this week following the cleaning of the Astroturf. Usual time outside the Pig, on Thursday.

 Next week sees us taking on Hinton charterhouse away and should possibly herald the arrival of the new shorts and socks following the unprecedented increase in advertising revenue following the Guardian’s recent kindnesses.

By all accounts we should be in the Chronicle on Thursday too so some of the better players may like to start thinking about employing an agent.

In a rare change of scenery that had Kempy waking up in a cold sweat and hunting for the sat-nav, PF Locomotive were to travel outside of Bath this week, to the far flung outpost of Keynsham.

 Crown and Horseshoe were the opposition, another team that gave us a beating last year and on Sunday’s evidence, another team that will not be adding Damo or Tully to their club Christmas card list.

Following the training session on Thursday most of the English-speaking members of the team were keen to try and salvage some pride after the “great-rape” that Javi and his fellow Spaniards inflicted on us, One wobbly-lipped pig-regular described the experience as similar to taking a slightly burly girl home only to find that she has about as much feminine genitalia as Mrs Doubtfire and will be using your own tears as the sole means of lubrication for the unspeakable acts “she” will be performing on you.

In a nutshell, 8 Englishmen took to the field against 6 Spaniards and 1 proud Argentinean. Roughly 90 minutes later and the 8 Englishmen left the field after a rather humbling 8 goals had been rattled into our net with a meager 3 at the other end our only consolation. Next week will hopefully see a reversal of fortunes as I managed to secure the presence of a hard tackling, no-nonsense, heart-shaped sweating Scotsman on Saturday night. Mind you he had consumed about the equivalent weight of Chris Allen in beer so hopefully “Big Gav” will not forget his promise. I will make enquiries in the week as to the protocol for securing a St Johns Ambulance presence.

Does anybody know the Spanish translation for the Glasgow kiss ?

Anyway, back to Sunday and once again the late drinks on Saturday night were laying heavy as Kempy’s 9.30am wake-up call arrived. Saturday evening’s live boxing in the pig, coupled with the birthday of capital-dwelling, daughter of major player in Bath’s business world and fashion-retailing socialite Juliet Copperman; left most of the Pig faithful extremely hungover.

Having missed the extremely limited window of opportunity to get a lift from Kempy in my own car, desperation turned to relief, turned to a feeling of extreme relaxation with a hint of hunger as I was able to secure the last spot in Olly Embleton’s Dutch taxi.

Arriving at Keynsham and with some short-term memory loss the team that greeted us was as follow

1)    Daniel

2)    Sam Maddock

3)    Tully

4)    Goughy

5)    Bond

6)    Embleton

7)    Ed

8)    Javi

9)    Albert

10) Jonny West

11) Damo

12) Diskin

13) Lucas

14) Ant Stone

We kicked off and the Pig team took the game swiftly to the Crown side. As the half unfolded we had a number of chances to take an early lead and but for some good keeping and slightly wayward finishing we could have been three up.

On the touchline was Ben Hansell who felt compelled to come and see if all this fuss about Ed Oddy’s big-tackling displays is accurate. Alongside Ben and still suffering with a back-related injury was the theatre’s own Rich Green. He’d come to see if Mrs Hansell’s vacancy for a handyman had been filled yet. Completing the touchline faithful was one-time player and full time “Lil-Chris” impersonator Chirs Allen, as well as Pig barmaid and the only WAG in attendance Olivia Jollands. Chris had come to see if he could force his way back into the team anytime soon whilst Olivia had clearly come for her first taste of Pigfootball. Despite the wind and rain the crowd were in good spirits particularly when Ben’s ridiculous sandals were noted. (and on a cold day too !) Olivia had taken no chances and had layered up, a point that she made in great detail.

Our most clear cut chances fell to Damian who saw a shot cleared off the line by a defender and Tully who directed a bullet-header over the bar.

Danny wasted no time in making friends with the referee before becoming involved in a long and drawn out discussion over the suitability of the match ball. Danny wanted more air, the ref refused to buckle. Something had to give and in the end it was the ref’s patience as he produced a yellow card for the Pig attacker. This signaled the start of a love-hate relationship between the two that lasted until Danny’s eventual substitution midway through the second half.

The Crown took the lead with their first attack, a low curling effort evading Daniel into the bottom corner. Difficult to accept given that we had been playing all the football. Worse was to follow as a second goal followed before half time. A long-range effort rebounding off the bar, and the follow up shot finding a home in the net.

Half time and 2 down.

Kempy’s team talk followed the usual template and ended with Coronation Street’s Damian re-iterating that we could win this, we were better than them and that we would be fighting to the end….. TO THE END !

 Not since I watched Braveheart round at Gav’s house have I felt more inspired.

The second half became increasingly tasty with several hard challenges and a good deal of words exchanged in Mancunian and Cockney voices. The ref had his work cut-out as things were flaring up all over the pitch.

Ed Oddy made way for Ant Stone to come on and mix things up a bit. Damian particularly liked this as he does like to call him “Theo”, almost as much as he enjoys calling Goughy “Giggsy”.

 Shortly afterwards Danny Bond was retired to allow Lucas a run on the left wing.

In between the pantomime Damo was good enough to supply us with a goal to get things back on track. A low penetrating shot zipped past the stand-in keeper (the first one had retired hurt) and Damian gave another stirring speech to the effect that the game was there for the taking.

The last half hour was increasingly spectacular with a string of near misses from Olly, Ant and Albert leaving the crowd ready to celebrate but increasingly frustrated. Crown and Horseshoe were riding their luck time and time again both in defending and with the knife-edge tempers of our more volatile players.

With the Crown’s second keeper hobbling and Tully picking up a booking for persistently kicking members of the other team the game came to a sad conclusion. The Pig can feel robbed by the result as despite having the majority of the play, they were beaten by 2 goals from two attacks with not much else for the Crown to shout about in attack.

Man of the match this week goes to a deserving Goughy who was everywhere in defence, putting in some excellent tackles and leading the group in the “passes completed” stakes. Additionally the bearded carpenter/barman was good enough to give me his tobacco as a bribe.  See Kempy for your free pint on Thursday, I’ll roll you a cigarette to go with it.

Special mention must go to Diskin who didn’t get on to the pitch this week. The affable barman took this in excellent spirits although the fact that he got to spend 90 minutes being hugged by Olivia rather than kicked by idiots may have something to do with it. Guaranteed a starting berth next week though I should think.

Back at the Pig and the sausage beans and chips were delivered to the table in record time.  A welcome treat for the majority of the team, but a bitter blow for Tully who lingered too long in the bookies and missed the entire serving. Nevertheless spirits were high despite Javi reporting that McDonalds had turned him down for employment in an act of disgraceful racism. Apparently you need to speak English impeccably if you are to lob out Big Macs and fries to the overweight underbelly of Bath’s society. Thoughts once again turn to whether or not Gav can employ him at Moss as some kind of  Spanish internship.

Next week sees us take on Tramways for the first time this year and a return to our home ground of Lansdown. Nobody is happier than Kempy at this news,

Training as usual on Thursday. Losers buy the Sangria in the Pig afterwards.

Some people are on the pitch... wait, it's just the Lansdown groundsman. What's that ? It's off ?

It was never going to be an easy ride on Sunday and the loss in midweek of Javi and Daniel to a weekend in London, coupled with Olly Embleton deciding to join them in a visit to the capital led the Pig regulars to sniff out the first signs of a problem.

Bathford are still playing at Avondale RFC and the playing surface is definitely better suited to rugby than football. The pitch itself could have been worse (remember last year) but the angle of play is the real killer.

PF started brightly and continued where we had left off last week with some delightful interplay and good football generally. The young referee had spoken before the game about his dislike of foul-language and his intention to enforce the letter of the law for his part. "If anybody swears at me I'll send the fuckers off" said the young west country chap without a hint of irony before failing to speak to anybody for the entire game despite being sworn at like a cheap hooker at the docks.

We were to go a goal down thanks to a slightly controversial penalty before Jonny West dragged us back into the game with a wonderful goal from the right flank and from his non-professional foot as well.

Half time found us in positive mood although with Tully feeling the affects of a heavy blow to the head from the Bathford striker. Danny Bond refused to accept any excuses from the no-nonsense Londoner and so Kempy found himself forbidden to make the substitution that the centre-back was requesting. One change at half time saw Corrie's Damian introduced in place of Argentina's Lucas who was suffering with a sore "muscle behind his shin". "Your Calf muscle Lucas ? No, the one behind my shin"  Christ.

The Pig were briefly to go 2-1 up as Damian made excellent progress goalwards before the keeper parried the ball into Jonny's path and he snatched his 5th goal against the same team in 2 weeks.

Bathford came back and scored a very subdued goal straight from a free kick to level the game at 2-2.

The game stayed this way until about 75 minutes played and I can distinctly remember telling Benji how much I was enjoying watching it. The sun was shining and the views of Bathford were spectacular. If ever there was a day for football to have been the winner........

Something bad happened in the last 15 minutes and we were to absolutely fall apart without warning.

First of all Bathford scored directly from a corner thanks to the swirling wind.

Next Tully committed GBH on the Bathford striker and a penalty was duly awarded.

Finally the goalkeeper took a punt from his hands and scored in our goal after the ball had bounced twice. I never thought I would see that happen twice in my lifetime after Joe Scott's goal keeping display versus Tramways at the Uni.

So, 75 minutes of good enjoyable football ruined by 15 minutes of falling apart. It was all too reminiscent of last year when we would lose our heads and moan at the ref all too often.

The massive positives of yesterday is that without the brilliance of Javi and Olly we still managed to show the progress that we have made this year and pushed the team who are so far unbeaten by anyone bar us in the league in the league to within 15 minutes of a draw with us.

The negative is that we threw it away. The game was ours for the taking but lets not dwell on what could have been.

A good performance for 75 minutes against league-leaders on a very home-favouring pitch.

The return to the Pig was swift (although Kempy still managed to get lost) and the pub was bustling as the build up to Liverpool V Man Utd was underway. Sausage, beans and chips were delightful when they managed to join us but sadly they had been somewhat delayed due to the busy day. We should never have trusted Kempy to go and collect them with his navigational problems.

Onwards and upwards for next week and as Javi was keen to mention in his recent guest book entry... Up Pig. (He'll need to show caution with his new British surname though)

Man of the match this week cold go to the following...

Rus - For a first half display of utter brilliance. Spectacular saves.
Tully - For playing brilliantly at the back and not coming off despite obvious discomfort.
Jonny West - For another brace of goals.
Ant Stone - For running up and down that hill like a man possessed all game.

However, the choice this week is Sam Maddock for a brilliant performance at the back coupled with a good threatening performance when attacking from his wing. I'll be seeing Kempy on your behalf for your post-training pint.

Training on Thursday as always and then Odd Down Reserves on Sunday at Lansdown. Injured captain Tanman is going to take up the managerial helm as Kempy is away at a health spa for the weekend. He'll never find it.

It was back to the league this week and the first of our double-header against Bathford rangers. The Pig & Fiddle had been buzzing all week with talk about rugby and the presence of the Heineken cup in the pub and so it wasn't unnoticed that several eyes were cast longingly at our own empty shelf above the fire where nothing has stood since the turn of the century. Having been knocked out of the cup last week feelings of inadequacy were building and it was up to Kempy to raise spirits and mount a slightly late assault on the league.

The drive to Lansdown was a real experience as Rus talked us through his family party of the previous evening in Whiteway. Suffice to say, the event started with jelly and ice cream and the 10 year old birthday girl receiving gifts but ended with the despatch of 12 police cars, 24 officers, multiple arrests and the same 10 year old girl receiving pepper spray to the face. The sort of thing that Harry Hill would gladly pay out £250 for. (which incidentally could go towards bail)

Still a little shocked in honesty, we arrived at Lansdown and quickly made our way to the furthest possible pitch from the changing rooms as thoughts turned once again to whether Kempy has upset the old chap that allocates pitches.We never get the near one.

Obviously looking to finally put an end to the Diskin/Gough late arrival competition, Goughy decided to not turn up this week. His birthday celebrations were the talk of the town on Saturday evening and Goughy has never been one to quickly leave a bed in the morning. Except that time that he accidentally got in with Kempy and woke up to find his hand in between two pillows..... Nasty business....

The team assembled as follows

Daniel (or "Spanish" as Tully christened him)
Sam
Tully
Diskin
Danny Bond
Olly Embleton
Ant
Ryan
Edd
Javi
Jonny

Subs
Gav
Marc
Jacky

We kicked off and I was treated to some good banter from our new number 10 Gav (the only shirt that is an XL) and Marc (albeit very doom and gloom about our chances of winning). Jacky would have also pitched in with some of his classic anecdotes but was once again required to jog back to the changing rooms for a poo. You could set your watch by his backside on a Sunday morning.

We were playing with some style and it was quite duly rewarded with what can only be described as a bizarre goal. Jonny West hit what he will claim as a shot and the Bathford keeper caught it and then threw it into his net. Jonny claimed the goal and we were 1-0 up.

Bathford were quick to reply and once again a goal followed a goal-mouth scramble followed a corner. We really must work on defensive corners in training.

Olly Embleton was everywhere again on Sunday and played like two men despite that fact that he was once again out until 4am in one of Bath's nightspots.  Matt Stevens must be kicking himself that he didn't opt for a career with PF Locomotive where scenes of extreme Saturday night hedonism seem to actually enhance your playing performance. Our young Spanish playmaker and fast becoming talent scout gave another brilliant performance, running all over the pitch and making a nuisance of himself. The ageing Bathford right back certainly didn't like him and the verbal exchange between the European flair player and the local idiot was hilarious as neither understood the other. Fortunately Danny Bond was on hand to offer the right back the benefit of a 3rd party opinion that he was a local idiot.

This next bit's about Sharks Kempy so I know how much you'll enjoy it...

The Great White shark is a killing machine of ultimate precision and efficiency in the water. Very little stands a chance against it's power and majesty. However, put that same beast into heavy woodland and he is not going to be quite so sure of himself and will eventually flap around to a rather humble end. Now, substitute the Great White for Kris Diskin and instead of heavy woodland, say anywhere down the left hand side of the pitch and you can see where this laboured analogy is going. The mighty defensive unit was left humbled and flapping about on the left until Kempy mercifully hauled back onto his right hand side and he suddenly started to breathe through his gills again before darting off in pursuit of a shoal of attackers. A lesson was learned.

Back to the scoreline and it must be said that Jonny West was having "one of those games".  Following his rather fortuitous first goal he went on to terrify the Bathford defence with 2 more goals giving him a first half hat trick and the Pig a half time 3-1 lead. 2 of Jonny's 3 goals were thanks to Ed Oddy who slipped him a lovely couple of balls. (insert your own Mrs Hansell joke here)

Looking confused and hastily stuffing his  "we're better than this" "next goals ours" and "we shouldn't be losing this one" flashcards back into his kitbag; Kempy went about ad-libbing a new teamtalk based on how we were actually in a strong position. Given our inexperience at this situation he made a decent fist of it and I don't recall any clichés. The highlight of half time though must go to the clear water bottle that I had added just a dash of lime cordial to before the game. Whether it was the refreshing citrus fruit or the fact that it masked the fetid taste of listeria in the bottles I don't know. All I can say is that it was very popular indeed.

No changes at half time and we set off in pursuit of a rare league victory.

Bathford were not without chances and in between giving their young striker a very hard time they managed to hit our post and cause a catalogue of scrambled clearances. We held on with more than a little luck.

Kempy recognised the danger and on came the subs with Gav being wheeled into the middle of the park like a grand piano. Very difficult to get past but playing some very cool and assured passes in the pressure-zone.

Marc came on at left back and showed promise but will need to add bite to his repertoire if he is going to scare that opposing right back.

Jacky was brought on for the predictably injured Jonny West who, after bagging his hat-trick, decided that he'd done enough and would like to pay only £3 for the game rather than £6. Incredibly he had the nerve to claim he was not aware of this loophole !

Pig battled back to get on top of the game and after a lovely move we found Javi with an excellent ball with just the keeper to beat. Beat him he did before slotting the ball home to leave us 4-1 up and close to delirium on the sidelines.

The young Bathford striker did finally manage to find the net with a decent left footed finish and for a brief moment we wondered, with the score at 4-2 and with the away team pressing hard.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man as the Pig's new home-wrecking, middle aged woman bothering, reasonably priced gardening serviceman, no job too small enthusiast, sure footed, goal hungry target man, Ed Oddy was found on the right of the box after a sublime pass from Javi and slotted it home from a good length (!)

Jubilation on the sidelines as the game finished at 5-2 and we celebrated our biggest win for some time.

The team looked spectacular yesterday and it will take some considerable effort from Bathford next week to spoil a good chance of a winning streak being started. Lets not talk too soon though as playing away at Bathford is no easy ask.
Sausage beans and chip sin the Pig were to be applauded considering the busy day that the pub was experiencing.

Man of the match this week is incredibly difficult. Although I wouldn't hold your breath Diskin....

After much deliberation we are going to have to split it between Javi and Tully with honourable mentions for Ed, Jonny and Olly.

Javi capped a marvellous display with a brilliant goal whilst Tully played a faultless game at the back, tidying up and giving us a rock to build the attack on. Olly was inspirational but we are beginning to take that for granted these days. Jonny gave us a hat trick but cheating us out of £3 took the shine off a little. Ed was superb and scored a nice goal but he's getting enough exposure these days !

As usual, see Kempy for your free pint after training. Javi may like to claim Tully's as well as he will most likely be in London. Watch out for a lecherous Spaniard in Back to Mine on Thursday night, 2 pints of cider to the better and looking for one of his champagne-toting chicas !

Training is on Thursday as usual and special mention should be made to the likely attendance of the Avon and Somerset constabulary following complaints of dangerous driving by the people that train before us. Obviously we should all be observing the 10mph speed limit and Rus you might like to turn the clock back on your ankle tag just in case they spot you. Nobody wants to see anybody pepper sprayed...